Dear Eric: My brother and I were estranged for many years at his insistence. We were able to reconcile after our father’s death when I gave him a larger portion of the estate than my father had willed to him.
My brother has some health issues. During the pandemic, he became sick and had to be convinced to go to the hospital, which I arranged. Later, he had a procedure after which he had to be hospitalized again.
Then he had to move for financial reasons. He doesn’t like the doctors he has access to in his new neighborhood, so he asked if I would host him for a week so he could see his doctors where he used to live.
Everything went well except for the condition of my only bathroom. He is elderly, does not see well, and doesn’t think cleaning is necessary. There was body waste around the toilet and floor leading to the toilet. The bed in which he slept also was soiled.
I cleaned up after him. But I’ve had back surgery, so cleaning is difficult for me now and I don’t want him to visit me in the future. He cannot afford to rent a hotel or offer to have someone clean the bathroom. I feel obligated to help him, but I feel it’s too much for me.
Am I being selfish? I don’t want to jeopardize our re-established relationship. How do I navigate this situation?
Eric says: It’s not selfish; it’s healthy. I worry that your brother takes your help for granted. It’s not unfair to ask an adult to take responsibility for their actions.
But it seems that cleaning up after your brother — financially, logistically and otherwise — is a longstanding pattern. Perhaps you feel guilty about the estrangement. Perhaps you’ve always found yourself filling in the gaps for him. It’s something you should talk about with a therapist. What are you trying to fix, and is that something that’s within your power to fix?
