Ask Eric: Sibling rivalry is out of control

Dear Eric: I have boys ages 8 and 13. In most cases the sibling rivalry is the same as in any other family.

But around 10 one evening, with me and the boys in bed, I heard muffled whimpering and screeching. Thinking I was just dreaming or not fully awake, I fell back to sleep. Then the noise got louder and woke me up.

I opened up the door to the boys’ room and was horrified. My younger boy was bound with his hands behind him and duct tape over his mouth. My older boy was on him with his sweaty soles in his face, tickling the younger boy at the same time, to the point where my younger son had lost control of his bowels. I screamed for him to “Stop!” My older son just kept grinning and continued. I finally yanked him off of the younger boy.

My husband wasn’t home at the time. When he arrived and I told him what had happened, he was dismissive. Something to the effect of “boys will be boys.”

Making matters worse, my younger boy asked me why I stood there for a while before stopping the fight. I already felt guilty for going back to sleep when I didn’t think anything was wrong. Am I a bad mom? And am I correct in thinking my husband needs a wake-up call?

Eric says: You’re not a bad mom. You intervened; you stopped a distressingly chaotic scene. But you should put in safeguards to keep this kind of thing from happening again.

The boys being boys line is used to excuse a wide range of behaviors, from the benign to the unacceptable. Siblings get into skirmishes, but parents should pay close attention that it doesn’t become bullying or abuse, especially as the age/maturity difference between siblings results in a power imbalance.

Dear Eric: Our 63-year-old sister “Josie” always has been gullible. In the past seven years, she has reunited with a friend from a previous job, and this is when we noticed a dramatic change in her mental state. She believes there are aliens living under Walmart and that she is a star seed from another planet.

She took an antidepressant years ago but weaned her way off of it. She has admitted to anxiety recently but will not go back on meds because she has no trust in the companies that make them.

Josie has a daughter who lives out of state and does not know our level of concern. Do we let her live her life in LaLa Land or suggest that she needs an intervention or counseling?

Eric says: While it might have initially seemed that, by linking up with an old coworker, Josie was following a misguided way of thinking, the sudden change suggests that she could be experiencing a mental health crisis. Intervention could help keep her safe.

Talk to your niece about your concerns. Open communication amongst the family about what you’re witnessing, reasonable expectations and what you can do to help is key. You can find resources for having these conversations and additional support on the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website (samhsa.gov).