Ask Eric: Sister won’t learn life skills

Dear Eric: My younger sister, Lucy, and I are both in our 20s and share an apartment.

Growing up, I faced a lot of double standards from our parents, especially when it came to household responsibilities. Lucy was coddled to the point of depriving her of developing basic life skills.

As adults, I end up picking up the slack just like when we were kids. I also manage all of our bills. My attempts to get her more involved haven’t stuck. When I try to have a conversation about these things, she gets defensive and shuts down.

I can’t keep carrying everything on my own. I also would like her to learn these things for when she is out on her own, but I’m at a loss on how to approach her in a way that won’t just result in her shutting down again.

Eric says: Your care and concern for your sister are admirable. But, with respect, I wonder if you’ve also fallen into the family pattern of coddling her.

You have the opportunity to let her learn (and perhaps fail) with a safety net. The gift of this living arrangement could be that she’s with someone who will hold her to account.

Choose some bills that you make her responsibility and then put them in her name. Let’s say it’s cable. Give her your half of the monthly bill and tell her that you’re trusting her to take care of it. If she can’t or won’t, then the cable gets cut off, and she has to figure out how to fix that and how to repair the relationship with you.

This, obviously, invites potential conflict into your living situation, but I’d argue that conflict already is present. You’re just swallowing the resentment that comes from it. She is your sister, but she also is an adult and your roommate. Give her the chance to live up to all three of those roles.

Dear Eric: I’m in my 70s and have a neighbor who’s been part of our group of friends for many years. When we enter her home, we are inundated with her stories and complaints without even so much as a “Hey, how are you guys?” We feel ignored because of her need to constantly talk about herself.

I decided to tell her how I felt. I admit I’d had a couple glasses of courage, and my timing probably wasn’t that great. I “let her have it,” expressing my belief that she needs to work on her hosting skills and the tendency of ignoring her guests. I did insert “we love you guys” to hopefully let her understand my comments were coming from genuine affection and concern.

She turned on me, calling me pompous and arrogant. Needless to say, we are not friendly now. It’s very awkward because we live across the street from each other and have a common group of people we socialize with.

I know I’m the primary reason this is happening. I could have chosen a neutral location and talked with her about why I needed to have this conversation. My bad.

I’m hoping you might have recommendations on what I should do now.

Eric says: If you would prefer to have things smoothed over — at least to the point of pleasantries — you can tell her what you told me: “I chose the wrong time and the wrong words. I know that I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry.”

It’s easy to see why she’d be resentful. It also seems that your opinion still stands — which doesn’t bode well for reconciliation.

Still, I think you should reach out to acknowledge what you felt was wrong about you did. A the very least, you can clean up your side of the street.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.