Ask Eric: Woman fears being left alone

Dear Eric: I am a woman in my late 50s. I have never been married or had any children. But I am now in a loving, long-term relationship.

My father raised me and my sibling (who died at the age of 40). My father is in his late 80s and not in great health. I cannot stop worrying that when both my father and my partner leave this Earth, I will be all alone.

I’m already grieving. How do I lift my spirits? I would gratefully appreciate your advice.

Eric says: Anticipatory grief is the experience of feeling sadness before a loss occurs. It can be really hard to navigate because there’s not an event to latch on to in the present.

You’ve already taken the first step, though, which is acknowledging that you’re feeling it. Don’t be afraid to talk about your fear with your partner or your father. It may feel like you have to handle this on your own, which only compounds your fear of being alone after they pass. By expressing your love and the issues you’re wrestling with, you open the door for them to help you process things and perhaps see new perspectives.

A conversation with your father might focus on how you can make the time you have meaningful. The conversation with your partner might include discussions about ways your partner can help you in your effort to lift your spirits.

Even the act of telling those we love that we’re going through a hard time can crack the door open inside of us and let in a little relief. Additionally, it can be helpful to say, “I have planned for what I can plan for, and, at this moment, I’m going to be present in my life and with the things that bring me joy.”

Talking about this with a counselor also will help, as will trying to think of activities or communities that you can get involved in now to help bolster your support system.

Dear Eric: I allowed a new boyfriend to move in with me. I am six years widowed and thought this would be wonderful. But he can be very negative and at times resents my grown children being around.

He was forced to move out from a previous relationship and has stated how thankful he is that I came into his life. He states he probably would be living in his car or lying dead somewhere.

I feel like I have lost some of my independence and that now it would be better to be somewhat alone. How should I deal with this?

Eric says: Resenting your kids being around is a red flag. Coupled with his negativity and the comments he makes about what would happen if you hadn’t let him move in, his behavior strikes me as manipulative.

You should ask yourself if this person is taking advantage of you and your relationship. If he’s not creating a generative, positive space in your now-shared home and he’s trying to push your kids away, at best he’s not in a position to be a good boyfriend. At worst, he’s trying to isolate you.

It’s not too late to tell him that this arrangement isn’t working and he needs to make other plans. He can and should take responsibility for his living situation. You can help him think through his options, if you have the capacity, but you’re not stuck just because he’s in a bad place in his life.

If he’s truly as thankful as he says he is, perhaps this conversation will prompt him to make amends and make some changes. But right now, it sounds like he needs to do some work on himself before he’s ready to be in a relationship with you.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.