Asking Eric: Father ghosted after $50K loan

Dear Eric: My youngest daughter, a pediatrician, got a divorce two years ago (her husband had been taking money from her practice and not telling her). Her mother and I divorced 40 years ago and are on good terms.

For whatever reason, my present wife and I almost never saw my daughter or her kids. There was no falling out or other reason for her not to have anything to do with us.

During the divorce, she got into financial trouble, and we supported her to the tune of more than $50,000. She told us things were going to change and she would start having more to do with us. It has been 10 months, and we have heard nothing from her as far as paying back the money or anything else.

I am not sure where to go with this. That money was a significant part of our retirement. Her mother is not in a position to help her.

Eric says: I hope that you and your daughter drew up a loan agreement or other kind of document that set out the terms of the loan — or even just the understanding that this is a loan and not a gift. Documents of this sort can be awkward with family, but with the amount of money you’re talking about, it’s better to feel briefly awkward than to end up resentful because of dire financial straits.

Even if you don’t have anything on paper, it’s time to have two separate conversations about your relationship and expectations.

Money first. Ask her what her plan is for paying you back. Explain how it impacts you and get a realistic schedule from her. If she’s still not financially secure enough to make even small payments, you need to know that so you can plan accordingly.

Then, have a relationship talk. Ask her if her promise to change was genuine or, if not, what her reasons for being estranged from you are.

I’m not very comfortable with the idea of your daughter having nothing to do with you (for years?) but gladly taking $50,000. She doesn’t owe you a relationship because of the loan. But something is off here, and you owe it to yourself to find out what it is.

Dear Eric: I vacation with two very dear friends for three to five weeks at a time during the winter. We all are over 70. The issue is TV “rights.”

One friend is unable to sleep in a bed and settles in the living area of any vacation rental and watches TV while she falls asleep. The other friend will wander in (from a perfectly good bed), turn the channel (their viewing preferences are total opposites) and then fall asleep also, prompting a “huff” from the now wide-awake friend.

Any thoughts on how I can get them to share the TV or provide some boundaries? I’m just happy to be on vacation and don’t care about what’s on TV.

Eric says: The easiest way to quash this is to make a group agreement that, after a certain time, the living room becomes the bedroom of the friend who is unable to sleep in a bed. It’s already her de facto bedroom, and you all have accepted that. Setting a “lights out, door closed” period helps establish a boundary. Ideally, she’d do this rather than bringing you in, but such is friendship.

Another option: find a rental with TVs in the bedrooms, too. This way both friends can, separately, watch whatever they want, and you can sleep undisturbed by huffs.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.