Asking Eric: Friend alarmed by sick cat’s treatment

Dear Eric: I have a friend who ordinarily is loving and affectionate to her middle-aged cat. Today, she told me her cat has a condition that requires medical care, but she feels the vet just wants her money.

Instead, she is choosing a cheaper homeopathic route, along with supplements and a modified diet, saying she knows the cat may not have long to live.

Though I would follow a different path, I listened to my friend and did not challenge or try to change her decision. My problem is that I feel sad for her cat and am surprised; after hearing her gush about how much she loves her pet companion for years, by how casual she now is about his current state.

Everyone grieves in their own way, but I find I am disheartened and am judging my friend. How can I frame this situation so that I can be present for and help her?

Eric says: I feel sad for this cat and for your friend. I know it sounds cruel to you, but she might be backed into a financial corner. If so, it’s likely a kind of hopelessness has crept in.

It might put your mind at ease to offer a little help. If it’s within your means, you can ask her if she’d like support paying the vet bill. Or, if that’s not possible, you could help her look into lower-cost vet care or financial assistance for pet owners.

If she’s resistant, however, remind yourself that this is a significant loss for her, and this may be the only way she can wrap her mind around the grief. Being there for her as she processes it is a kindness.

When we met, both of us were clean and sober. About four or five years later, we both lost our sobriety. However, our relationship didn’t change.

His drinking escalated quickly after his father died. Things between us went downhill from there. Eventually, I realized I had to leave. But when I found out he had three to six months to live, I moved back to take care of him.

Since he died, I not only have struggled to survive financially, but I struggle with moving on emotionally. I haven’t dated or sought a relationship. I don’t trust any man who shows an interest in me.

I want to be happy again. I want to feel that joy, enthusiasm and lust for life, and find someone to share that with. Should I seek a therapist or just accept that I might be too messed up to move on?

Eric says: You are suffering, yes. You are dealing with a lot, even 11 years later. But you aren’t broken beyond repair.

The whirlwind of the dissolution of your marriage and his death blew up your life. Without processing your feelings around it, it’s going to be hard to move ahead.

But the fact that you’re reaching out, that you’ve expressed such a strong desire to connect, indicates that you’re ready to let some of this go in favor of a more healed future. I wish you luck.