Asking Eric: Husband resents wife’s new friends

Dear Eric: Mid-pandemic, we moved to my husband’s hometown, hundreds of miles from our old city. It was a very difficult transition for me. I am a stay-at-home mom, and the opportunities to meet people were very limited because of the pandemic.

However, about a year ago, I met two other moms with young children. We became very close and now spend two to three days together every week at the library, playground or each other’s houses.

Meeting them was truly a lifesaver, giving myself and my children opportunities to socialize and pulling me out of my loneliness and depression.

However, my husband does not approve of these new friendships. He has come up with every excuse why we shouldn’t spend time together, including that their husbands have ill intentions toward me — which is absurd.

I love my husband and want to have a happy and harmonious home. However, I value these friendships greatly and believe they make me a happier person and, therefore, a better mother and wife. How can I address this issue?

Eric says: Your husband must not have much going on at work, because minding your business seems like a full-time job. This isn’t right. He’s acting out a very misplaced feeling of insecurity, and until he works on that, I doubt any friendship you have is going to pass his standards.

Tell it to him straight: “It’s important for me to have friends. Without them, I struggle with depression and loneliness. I know that you want the best for me and for our kids, so you need to tell me what this is really about.”

The end of the conversation should be: “These are the friends that bring me happiness. Is my happiness important to you? If so, I need you to support me in this.”

And then don’t entertain any further complaints. This doesn’t need to be debated. If he’s not supportive of your happiness, that’s a bigger problem. But I hope he’s willing to do the work.

Dear Eric: My son is getting engaged to a wonderful woman. They are in their late 20s. My husband and I are retired and have a limited yet comfortable income.

The bride is the oldest of two children and first to marry. Her parents are younger and wealthy. Her mother has told them that the wedding must be a large and lavish affair with more than 120 of their guests.

My husband and I have told the couple that we will give them a sum of money for the wedding needs — what we can afford — and will make no demands or get in their way to do whatever they want. They are relieved.

We are unsure how this will go over with her family because they may want us to cover all the expenses for a lavish groom’s dinner, full open bar, etc.

What is the normal amount of money to provide if they were an average couple, not considering her wealthy situation? I am not planning to mortgage our home or hand over five figures for this.

Eric says: As with rings, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. And that’s the good news. Give only what is financially reasonable for you.

Tradition suggests that the groom’s family plans the rehearsal dinner, and that means you don’t have to have a lavish affair if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to plan it, that’s fine, too. Many families will write a check and leave it up to the couple to apply it to their budget.

I think the latter is the way you should go. The couple’s struggles with the bride’s family are their responsibility, and they will have to learn how to navigate it. Give what you want and then step back.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.