Asking Eric: Time to break cycle of stressful visits

Dear Eric: My father-in-law is in a relationship with a person that makes staying at his home during a visit an awful experience for me, my husband and our kids. My husband is not one to confront and is simply too kind to stand up to this woman who has taken over hosting.

He also does not have open communication with his father to let him know his feelings or what has occurred during our visits. She doesn’t even live there but makes us feel unwelcome. My memories of the last couple holiday visits are primarily negative because of her.

I want to stay elsewhere this time around to try to make it a more positive experience for us and our kids. Should I simply tell my father-in-law we are staying elsewhere without giving a reason? I do not feel it is my place to discuss the issues about this woman with him, so I feel I cannot be honest.

Eric says: If I had a family motto, it would be: No more grinning and bearing it at the vacation rental no one actually likes or doing the holiday tradition that makes everyone miserable.

You don’t elaborate, but I assume there’s a reason that your whole family is going to your father-in-law’s home rather than inviting him to yours. So give yourself the gift of staying somewhere else.

Tell your father-in-law that you decided to try something new, but if he asks, tell him the truth. You’re family, too, and his partner’s behavior affects you, also. It could also provide an opportunity to make sure he’s OK, that she’s not running roughshod over what he wants or treating him badly in other ways.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together for nearly 25 years, married for 15. We have two kids, 8 and 12.

Last month, during an argument, my husband shouted at me that all I do “is make dinner.” I am shattered and don’t know what to do. Setting aside that making dinner most nights for the past 20 years is work itself, I feel like every vacation I’ve planned, gift I’ve wrapped or wall I’ve painted has been a waste of time.

What do I do?

Eric says: Your husband is dead wrong, and I know you know this. It’s time to make a change for your own health and that of your kids.

You can give your husband the list of tasks you do, you can go on a strike, you can hash it out in couple’s therapy, but at the end of the day, is this a person who values you?

Do you really feel that the doctor’s appointments, homework sessions and holiday decorations were a waste? Your children certainly don’t. What you did mattered.