Asking Eric: Wife’s panic attacks irk her husband

Dear Eric: I am a 63-year-old female who has been married for 45 years to a wonderful man. We’ve been blessed with a great relationship, but the last two years I’ve developed a phobia about riding or driving a car on the highway. I’m fine on city streets and residential streets, but when getting on the highways, I have started to have extreme fear and anxiety to the point of full-blown panic attacks.

This angers my husband. He tells me “I’m crazy” and has called me some vile names. He’s threatening to sell my car, even though I have no trouble driving to the store, doctor’s office, etc.

I don’t have insurance that covers mental health issues, and I’ve priced counselors, but frankly we can’t afford it. My doctor doesn’t want to put me on anxiety meds because she believes they are addictive and suggests I “just breathe” to combat this.

I know it’s irrational, and I can’t understand why it is happening. I’m at a loss what to do. Any suggestions?

Eric says: It’s possible your husband’s abusive language and behavior is making your anxiety worse.

Anxiety latches on to anything that it can, so perhaps there’s something else you’re struggling with and it’s showing up in the car. Regardless, your husband should be supporting you, not calling you names. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, TheHotline.org, can point you to resources for relief from the way your husband is treating you.

Just because he doesn’t understand what’s happening to you, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. His behavior is what’s irrational; you’re approaching this situation with a solution-focused mindset. Don’t let him touch your car keys.

Also, please get a second medical opinion about the anxiety medication. Many doctors would disagree with your doctor’s views.

With regard to therapy, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, SAMHSA.gov, is a great resource for finding free or low-cost counseling and support groups. I also recommend the books “Mindfulness” by Mark Williams and Danny Penman and “The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook” by Edmund J. Bourne.

Relief is possible. Anyone who isn’t along for that ride with you needs to get out of the car.

Dear Eric: I have teen nieces and nephews who have been misled by their grandma — my husband’s mother — to believe everything my husband and I have will go to them someday.

I told my niece that my pearls would go back to my mom’s side of the family because I have young siblings and no kids. She ran off to her grandma in tears.

I know the kids learned to be greedy from their grandma and are just parroting her, but it’s a real turnoff. I feel really bad that these kids assume they are the center of the universe and that we will pile gifts on them.

How do we shut down Grandma’s rule-by-rumor as the nieces and nephews see a glimmer of jewelry and assume, loudly and openly, that all will be theirs? Or do we even bother?

Eric says: Oh, you should definitely bother. If your impulse is to use sparkling language to set your nieces and nephews right, do it. They certainly don’t have any problem grave-robbing from the living; how else will they learn that their grandma’s assumptions don’t ring true for you?

Your mother-in-law is setting an unhealthy precedent. I’d guess this is part of a larger obstacle in the relationship you two have. It might be worth addressing her expectations with her. You can tell her, politely, to stop clutching your pearls.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.