Asking Eric: Cousin’s friend is getting too chummy

Dear Eric: Throughout my childhood, my cousin always had to have her friend join family events. Fast-forward 40 years, and my cousin has moved back home after widowhood. Guess who’s back at everything?

The friend is a lovely person. I have no issue with her. It’s just that sometimes we want it to be only family. How do I broach this?

Eruc says: Where I’m from, people used to talk about having “play cousins” — people who weren’t really related to you but with whom you were often expected to hang out.

Your actual cousin may see her friend as part of the family. It’s also possible that they have a deeper relationship.

Ask your cousin in a nonjudgmental way to tell you about the friendship. Ask her if the friend feels more like family. Depending on what your cousin says, you might just need to keep setting another place at the table.

Dear Eric: I am a 65-year-old widow with two adult sons in their late 20s. No partners or grandchildren yet, and that’s fine with me because they are still young and maturing.

One lives too far away to see more than twice a year. The other lives close enough for me to have dinner with once a week. I try to give them space, but I’m lonely and I’m sad they don’t call me more often.

I think they’re just living their lives and not thinking about me, which I probably did to my parents when I was their age. Am I expecting too much? Would I be wrong to tell them I’m lonely and would like to hear from them more often? I also can’t help but think if I’d had a girl, it would be different.

Eric says: Please tell your sons how you feel. Healthy communication can be such a gift. And tell them what they can do to help you. That’s a gift, too.

Sometimes it’s hard to carry the burden of advocating for ourselves. But I believe that your sons would be saddened to find out that you had this ache and didn’t ask for help.

Dear Eric: My brother’s son “Dan” has deleted his dad from his life. He has refused all forms of contact for more than a year.

My brother has no idea why Dan has disengaged without explanation. My brother continues to reach out, but to no avail. How does a family approach this conundrum? We are baffled and so deeply saddened by this turn of events.

And what message is Dan sending to his two sons?

Eric says: Estrangement is jarring. It runs cracks through the foundation of a family. And for an extended family it can feel hopelessly confusing.

I know that your brother says this came out of nowhere, but I wish that we had more information from him about what exactly that “nowhere” looked like before Dan cut off all contact.

Often, estranged parents are willfully or accidentally blind to the events that precipitated the divide. It’s hard to say what a healthy path forward is without knowing more about Dan and your brother’s relationship.

If Dan will speak to you, you should reach out to him. Don’t try to lobby on your brother’s behalf, simply ask Dan to share his perspective with you. See if he’s open to a relationship with you.

There’s something that has hurt Dan so deeply that his only recourse, he feels, is to cut off contact with his father. See if he’s open to an outstretched hand and a listening ear.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.