Q: I work closely with one of our executives, and he often will swoop in with questions that have no context and sound critical of what I'm doing. It upsets me, and then when I set up a meeting to clear the air, he backs down. How can I change this dynamic?
Karl, 48, senior director, financial analysis
A: A set pattern like this gives you plenty of opportunity to assess the dynamics and weigh your options.
Choose a time when you are not feeling bothered to do some reflection. As you think about past incidents, try to identify the triggers that bring out this behavior in him. Visualize the emotions that he is transmitting to try to understand if he is being driven by anger, fear, frustration, or some other strong emotion.
It's not unusual for someone to then bring these feelings to bear in their interactions with others. If this is the case, though, there may not be much you can do to stop him.
Your solution then will be to learn to buffer yourself so that you don't internalize his dynamics. More on that later.
Depending on the nature of your relationship, you may be able to have a candid conversation about these interactions and the negative effect they have on you.
This is a time for "I statements" to avoid triggering defensiveness on his part. If you are not familiar with this technique, there are lots of resources online. The essence is to create statements that focus on your feelings, the event, the impact, and what you would prefer instead.