Good Samaritans aren’t helping

Dear Eric: My wife and I are in our early 70s and in good health, but some of our younger neighbors have become a bit overly solicitous.

On one occasion, I left a fence gate open, and one of our neighbors discreetly came by and closed it (we knew it was open). Last week, I set up a slowly trickling hose to water a tree. At some point, someone came into the yard and shut off the water. This happened again yesterday.

We’re getting annoyed at what seems to be ageist assumptions about our cognitive health. Our neighbors think they are helping, but it feels condescending. How can we stop this intrusive behavior?

Eric says: I think the “dog in the air-conditioned car” method might be useful here. You know how sometimes people will leave their dog in their car when they do their shopping but put a sign in the window that reads “the dog has water, is in AC and is listening to Led Zeppelin”? This is meant to assure passing good Samaritans that they don’t need to break the window and rescue the dog.

Similarly, if you leave a hose on, you may want to leave a sign near it that reads: “Hose is watering the tree; please don’t disturb it.” If you like, you also can add: “The tree is listening to Led Zeppelin.”

Your neighbors’ helpfulness may be ageism. Or it simply may be misguided enthusiasm. The best way to find out might be to talk to them. You can correct any assumptions they have about your acuity.

Dear Eric: My fiancé and I are living together and planning on getting married soon. His children live in the house: 27, 21, 16-year-old twins and a 15-year-old.

I work 50-plus hours a week, and so does he. The 21-year-old does 40 hours. The 27-year-old, who also has two kids, is home all day, and the rest go to school online. So, essentially, they also are home all day.

Is it unreasonable for me to expect them to clean up after themselves? I come home every day to dishes piled up and having to clean 45 minutes before I can even start dinner. Then, after dinner, I’m expected to clean the whole kitchen by myself.

I’m feeling extremely tired and disrespected. Should I just move on before I get caught up anymore than I already am? I’ve talked to my fiancé about the problem to no avail.

Eric says: Who was doing the dishes before you moved in? Who was making dinner? Who was cleaning the kitchen? It sounds like the household didn’t get blended, but rather you were handed a long list of to-dos.

So, ask yourself if this is an environment that you want to live in. Maybe your fiancé is not ready to welcome you into his home. Ask him what his plan for fixing this is. If he doesn’t have an answer, that’s your answer.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.