It’s fair to say parenting isn’t as easy-going as it used to be

Opinion editor’s note: Star Tribune Opinion publishes a mix of national and local commentaries online and in print each day. To contribute, click here.

•••

It was different for my mother’s generation. When I was around 9, as I stood in line behind my parents to get a table at Red Lobster, a man burst into the lobby. Vomit sprayed out of his mouth, shooting out in an arc like a cartoon character. He pushed on toward the exit, leaving behind a pool of puke on the nautical-themed carpet. Did I look away? Absolutely not. I had never seen anything like it.

The people around us stared. My mom shrugged as we moved forward in line. She was likely thinking something along the lines of: “Looks like a table opened up.” I turned toward her, her hair feathered like Farrah Fawcett’s, her face radiant. Perfectly composed.

She was not worried about this, or much of anything. She was not scrolling on her cellphone, bombarded with information about the best practices of mothering, tragic news stories or possible current health risks. But perhaps most notably, my mom was not even disgusted or remotely close to leaving. No one else left, either.

Modern mothers have lived through a lot over the past few years — and mine did not consider any of the threats that I would have after the Red Lobster spectacle. New viral variant? Foodborne illness? A gas leak in the building?

Therefore, if I saw a person emerge from a restaurant while projectile-vomiting, no matter how many fried shrimp my family looked forward to, I’d take the hands of my children and march toward the parking lot. I know I am not alone in that assessment.

After 15 years as a relationship-focused psychotherapist, along with my own experience as a mom of two, it is clear that today’s mothers range from stressed to extremely stressed. I, too, have grappled with how to tolerate a certain amount of healthy risk in the face of mass global uncertainty.

My daughter has a rare genetic deletion whose disabilities require around the clock care. Overwhelmed, and in response to these demands, I have tried to be a reasonably relaxed mother who talks about feelings and manages life’s stresses. I have succeeded more or less depending on the day. According to a Pew Research study in 2023, a majority of parents (62%) report that being a parent has been at least somewhat harder than they anticipated, with roughly a quarter (26%) saying it’s significantly harder. The financial pressures add to the strain, including the challenge of the fast-approaching summer — an entire season where working moms are asked to multitask both paid labor and child care, or arrange a series of astoundingly expensive camps.

Innovative public policy could greatly improve life for mothers in the United States. This could include accessible, reliable child care, well-funded preschools, community centers for mothers, well-funded maternity leave, schools whose schedules line up with a workday. In the meantime, increased acts of service for fellow parents — or neighbors, family or friends — will positively affect parental well-being. For example, my neighbor, who also coaches the city basketball team, offered to pick up my child each Monday for the team practice and bring him home. It was convenient for him since he was already driving past our house with his own son, yet this seemingly small gesture eased my mental load, allowed for more relaxed dinner prep, and connected my son with a feeling of community. This act of service made my life easier.

Everyday efforts like this matter, especially those with consistency. There is a wide body of research that suggests that social connectedness in families is linked to mental health and happiness, and even more so during difficult times. The impact of my neighbor’s help — which continued throughout the entire basketball season — inspired me to support other parents in more concrete ways.

We could tackle both loneliness and parental stress by reaching out more to offer and ask for assistance instead of doing things alone, or only with our own kin. There are countless ways to help families carry the load. Is there a random day off from school? Offer to host a fellow classmate or do shifts with another parent so that you both get time off. If it works out, perhaps a trade could become a monthly or even weekly occurrence. Not a kid person? Neighbors can volunteer to help with yard work or even pet care. Friends without children can provide new energy to a family system and often have a more flexible schedule than fellow parents to shoulder daily life.

Today’s mothers face new challenges, and we will never return to the days of my Red Lobster youth. But we can rise to the challenge of contemporary life through everyday acts of mutual aid. Yes, it can be difficult to reach out because it requires some vulnerability, and in that case, it may be easiest to begin with a small offer or ask from a trusted person. But going solo has grave consequences on our well-being — and the impact of parental stress on children indicates that change is needed. Instead of defaulting to our own nuclear families, let’s work together. We have the power to make this stressful era more connected — with or without the popcorn shrimp.

Emma Nadler, a psychotherapist and the author of “The Unlikely Village of Eden: A Memoir,” lives in the Twin Cities area. On social media: @emmanadlerwrites.