The unironic mustache and other trends I'm hoping will die in 2024

Mayor Jacob Frey's mustache didn't last long.

It was unceremoniously missing from Frey's upper lip when he appeared at a press conference on Jan. 5, just a week and a half after it first emerged. Frey shaved it after much pillorying on social media, including comments on Reddit likening the mayor's new look to Uncle Rico in "Napoleon Dynamite."

"I got more negative reaction than the Minnesota state flag," Frey told me. "But it did improve over the week."

What improved — the feedback or the mustache?

"Literally, the mustache," he insisted, saying the patches filled in nicely over four or five days.

Frey said he trusted the judgment of his wife, Sarah Clarke, who approved of the 'stache. But she also suggested that it could distract people from some serious topics he was addressing. So away it went.

The resurgence of the mustache years ago was amusing when hipsters did it with an ironic wink-wink, as in, "Look at how ridiculous I appear, but I'm in on the joke."

Those days are over. Straight, white Gen Z men have naively embraced the trend, unaware that they resemble porn stars, 1970s insurance salesmen, or your weird Uncle Kevin. And now members of the ruling class and elder millennials, including the 42-year-old Frey, are giving it a go. It's spreading like a virus, and it must be stopped.

"I have friends who I can't look at with a straight face anymore," one of my fellow Gen X colleagues lamented. "THIS IS A PROBLEM!!"

In Frey's case, his inspiration did not come from Gen Z or "Top Gun: Maverick." One of his heroes growing up was the long-distance running great Steve Prefontaine, who possessed "one of the best mustaches in the biz," an athletic version of Yosemite Sam-type whiskers. As a young runner, Frey always wanted to sport a mustache like his idol, but he wasn't able to grow one.

In the end, public opinion had nothing to do with his decision to shave, Frey said.

But the disappearance of his mustache just might be a sign that the universe eventually corrects itself. So why stop there? Here are other trends I'm hoping will die in 2024.

Like Beanie Babies and Tickle Me Elmo of yesterday, the Stanley beverage mug has become today's must-have item that brings down all of humanity.

The comically oversized steel tumbler with a handle and straw was originally marketed toward construction workers and hunters. Now women are setting up camp outside of stores, snatching up hot pink Valentine's Day travel mugs as soon as doors open, and posting their unraveling behavior on social media. They're spending $45 on their Target purchases, but limited editions can be found for hundreds of dollars a pop on eBay.

Peruse TikTok, and you'll see teens hyperventilating as they unwrap their new Stanleys for Christmas and moms showing off their collections featuring tumblers of every pastel and pattern.

I am squarely pro-hydration. But this craze of constantly upgrading one's reusable travel mug defeats one of its main purposes, which is to reduce waste. Does anyone seriously need another water bottle?

Adding gratuity has never been more of a conundrum. I tip a minimum of 20% to servers (former IHOP waitress here) and bartenders, but it's getting out of control. Tablet screens are now asking us to tip for any transaction at the register, even if it's to buy a T-shirt at a concert or using a self-service dog wash.

I checked out a new restaurant recently where the food was delivered to our table by robots. When the bill came, there was still a line for gratuity. I guess the machines need to get their cut, too.

Please don't be that office colleague who ends virtual calls early with the phrase, "I'm giving you 10 minutes of your life back." Instead of closing the meeting with this cliché, thank the team for their hard work and celebrate their efficiency. Yes, we value our minutes in the day, but they were never yours to give.

The bots are getting increasingly clever. Among the text messages I've gotten over the past year include, "Andy, how about we go golfing tomorrow?" Or, "I love you, and no matter what happens, I'll stick with it." Swindlers are preying on the decency of human beings who'll lose sleep if the sender fails to convey a heart-to-heart message to the intended recipient — or ends up being stood up on the golf course by Andy. Just stop.

Whatever. I'm clinging to my side part and skinny jeans. Truth is, I don't have enough hair anymore to pull off the middle part. But I did break down and finally bought a pair of superhigh-rise, wide-leg denim. They come up nearly to my nipple line and I look like a sailor trapped in mom jeans. Am I doing this right?

My personal intolerance for mayoral mustaches, Stanley mugs and well-intentioned office jargon is so mid. When I disclosed to Frey that his mustache was topping my list of things I wanted to be stamped out 2024, he remained remarkably good-natured, but held his ground.

"I'm hopeful it will make a comeback," he said of his mustache. "I kind of liked it, and I think it will show up again."