Q: My ex and I were together for nine years. We had two children, now 6 and 8. I cheated on him. I know it was wrong, but it happened, and I left. Since that day he has been completely irrational. He posts insane accusations on social media. He stalks me and waits outside my home. He tells our kids that I am an adulterer, which opens up a discussion I do not want to have with them. I realize I shouldn’t have done it, but he’s taking revenge to a whole new level. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: For the record, good ex-etiquette is “good behavior after divorce or separation.” Neither of you have practiced “good ex-etiquette.”
Unfortunately, affairs are commonplace, and few are shocked when they hear someone has had one. What does seem to shock people are the lengths that some people can go to get revenge for the betrayal.
Your affair obviously devastated your ex, and he no longer is thinking clearly. Just as you didn’t think it through when you chose to have an affair, he is not thinking it through now.
If he is stalking you, that is reason to get police involved. I am not condoning your actions and blaming this all on him. I am telling you to be careful. Irrational behavior that is not stopped can get worse. Take this seriously.
As for your children, few understand the emotional fallout that an affair can have not just on their spouse, but on the kids and extended family. In your case, if dad is saying anything negative to the kids, he’s wrong. He’s involving them in adult business, and they don’t have the emotional wherewithal to cope with all this.
Their parents have split up. Their life no longer will be as they knew it, and dad’s words will not get the kids on his side. He will just further confuse them at a time when they need stability and care. Granted, dad may be hurt, but a campaign of degradation against mom will not help him heal — nor will it make you more remorseful than you already are.
Rather than spending all that energy badmouthing you on social media and following you around, it would be more fitting for both of you to stop the vendetta, no matter who was right or wrong, and put your children first. That’s good ex-etiquette.
