Should son cut ties to bonus mom?

Q: I have a 9-year-old son from my first marriage. My ex-wife (from my second marriage) and I raised my son together for five years. We split up two years ago, but she still is in my son’s life and spends time with him every week. My new partner is resentful of this and demands that I no longer allow him to see her. Should I end my son’s relationship with his former bonus parent to make my new partner happy? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: If the relationship is a loving one and benefits the child, your new partner needs to check her behavior. Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 4 is “Bioparents make the rules, bonus parents uphold them.” That means it’s up to the parents to establish clear boundaries and up to their partners to do their best to respect those rules.

If this relationship helps the child to feel loved and secure, of course he’s going to want to continue to see her. If your child thinks your new partner is behind his not being able to see his bonus mom, it could undermine any relationship your new partner might build with your son.

It sounds as if your new partner may be confusing your relationship with your ex to your son’s relationship with her. But she must understand that your support of the relationship is in your son’s best interest.

However, it might be time to do some soul searching and possibly employ a little empathy (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7). Make sure you aren’t doing anything inadvertently to upset your partner. Are you overly friendly with your ex when she is around? Do you refer to things in a way that could make her feel left out?

A new partner trying to prevent ex-interaction puts lots of pressure on new fragile relationships — and when pressure is applied to something fragile, it usually breaks.

One more thing: You referenced your ex-wife as your son’s former bonus mom. Bonus is forever. Bonus describes how you feel about someone. It’s not dependent on marital status. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.