There is big news to reveal today for fans of Minnesota's major sports entities. A collection of this state's brightest and best have been spending long hours since November 2020 auditing suspicious results in past competitions involving our sporting heroes.
We got jobbed, Minnesota sports fans. Over and over
A thorough analysis of the state's biggest games reveals the great conspiracy.
June 28, 2021 at 11:31AM
The forensic scientists and cyber investigators involved wanted to remain anonymous, out of fear these revelations will embarrass the NFL, NHL, big-league baseball, NCAA and the Big Ten and it could cost our team of technological wizards future business.
There was no greater calling here than objectivity; thus, degraded film prevented us from going back more than 50 years.
That's unfortunate, since there's not much doubt the International Officiating Conspiracy against Minnesota teams first came to light on Nov. 24, 1962, in Madison, Wis.
The hometown Badgers are alleged to have won that game 14-9 and backed into a Rose Bowl berth, although Minnesota's surviving baby boomers realize a game-turning, roughing-the-passer penalty on Bobby Lee Bell was 100% bogus.
One impartial witness, Mr. Sid Hartman of Minneapolis, was known to say what happened in Camp Randall was "highway robbery."
As it was, our limited budget of $6 million kept this audit to a half-dozen disputed contests (a million apiece) taking place in the past half-century.
April 29, 1971, Met Center: The plucky, fourth-year North Stars already had embarrassed the NHL by becoming the first expansion team to get a playoff win against an Original Six team — and at the Montreal Forum.
The North Stars also won Game 4 at Met Center. They were back home for Game 6, trailing 3-2 in games and goals. Ted Hampson put a puck past Ken Dryden to force overtime at the last instant. Except, the red light didn't go on.
Our scientists have studied it. That goal was good. There should've been a Game 7, with the pressure on the Canadiens. As it was, Montreal won the Cup.
Conclusion: North Stars were robbed of the Cup.
Dec. 28, 1975, Met Stadium: The Cowboys' 17-14 victory over the Vikings has been clouded by receiver Drew Pearson's contact with Vikings corner Nate Wright on the winning touchdown. That's up for dispute.
What's indisputable is Pearson was out of bounds on an earlier play at the 50-yard line. The notion he was forced out by Wright has been refuted with a study of the centrifugal force of those two bodies in action.
Plus, a security worker standing right there, Mr. Richard Jonckowski of Shakopee, has given sworn testimony Pearson went OB based on the receiver's momentum.
Conclusion: Vikings were robbed of chance to lose a Super Bowl for what would be One for The Thumb in the 1970s.
April 1, 1989, Civic Center: The Gophers were in overtime vs. Harvard in the NCAA men's hockey championship game. The Gophers' Randy Skarda hit a post in overtime. Harvard then won 4-3.
Even then, there was speculation the post was overly thick. Our search discovered the net in the garage of a former Civic Center maintenance person.
When examined, it was discovered there was a filling of Chinese bamboo that fattened up the left post, presumably as part of an Eastern liberal conspiracy.
Conclusion: Coach Doug Woog did win an NCAA title.
Oct. 3, 2003, Yankee Stadium: The Twins had won Game 1 of the ALDS and a locked-in Brad Radke was in a 1-1 tie entering the bottom of the seventh.
Ronan Tynan went out and sang "God Bless America." Research revealed the suspicion was true: It was the longest version of that tune of Tynan's career.
Radke stiffened up, the Yankees scored three runs and that started what remains a dominant postseason history vs. Twins.
Conclusion: Yankees purposely stole Twins' momentum with this overamped patriotic delay.
Nov. 1, 2008, Metrodome: Football coach Tim Brewster was 7-1 in his second season had Gopher Nation what remains the most excited it has been in the 60 years since the second Rose Bowl.
The Gophers had possession and were trying to break a 17-17 tie in the fourth quarter. Transmissions recovered recently show Northwestern brainiacs interfered with communications and sent in a fake punt from the Wildcats 31.
That failed and Northwestern won 24-17.
Conclusion: Big Ten's fear of this dynamic recruiter turning the Gophers into an unwanted power led to a conspiracy against Coach Brew.
Jan. 24, 2010, Superdome: The Saints famously beat up Vikings quarterback Brett Favre with late hits in a scandal that became known as "Bountygate."
Yet the key moment was when Naufahu Tahi became a 12th man on the field and a penalty put Ryan Longwell out of range for a winning field goal.
Tahi had a transparent glow when tapes of that moment were studied. Our researchers — and thanks to Mike Lindell for giving us the recommendation — concluded with 96.4% certainty that the 12th man wasn't Tahi, but rather a hologram that Saints coach Sean Payton motioned in to fool the officiating crew.
The Vikings not only earned a trip to that Super Bowl, but I had a neutral party — my 10-year-old grandson Luke — play a game of Madden, and our guys beat the Colts 41-0.
Conclusion: We Were the Champions!
Write to Patrick Reusse by e-mailing sports@startribune.com and including his name in the subject line.
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