Ex-etiquette: Will grandson, new boyfriend clash?

Q: I have lived alone since my husband’s passing six years ago. Over those six years, I have grown very close to my grandson, who is now 7. When he sleeps over, he likes to sleep in my bed.

I recently met a man I care for very much, and he occasionally sleeps over. My grandson seems to like him, but he has never slept over when my grandson stays at my home. I’m wondering when that would be appropriate. I worry about my grandson being jealous. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: I answer this question for grandparents the same way I answer it for parents.

The concern about your grandson’s jealous reaction is a real one. Sleeping together is a very intimate act, and if you tell your grandson “no” only when your guy stays over, your grandson may believe you like your “friend” more than him.

There are ways to guard against this jealousy, and it begins with making sure your grandson stays in his own bed. If, say, he has a nightmare and comes into your room, walk him back to his room and calm him there, reinforcing that his room is a safe place. Do this before your guy starts to stay over. Then your grandson will be less likely to compare.

Now let’s talk about when it is appropriate for people to stay over. The concern is over the child’s perception of permanence.

When a child meets someone new, they wonder how this new person will affect their life. If the answer is a negative one, you haven’t properly prepared the child for the introduction of someone new, let alone sleeping over.

Help the child distinguish the difference between “your guy” and “family.” A boyfriend is casual. “Family” is more permanent. When you and your new person perceive him as family, that’s when you have made the commitment, and you can begin the conversation about sleeping over when a child is present.

If your relationship has not progressed to this point, take your guy sleeping over when your grandson is around off the table. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.