6 ways to heal your home — and your heart — after a breakup

Navigating a romantic breakup is never easy, but it’s particularly challenging if you’ve been living together. After your ex moves out, that vibrant home you built together may feel devoid of stuff — and full of upsetting reminders of your relationship.

Reclaiming the space as your own is an important step in the healing process, says Michele Patterson Ford, a licensed psychologist and a senior lecturer at Dickinson College in Pennsylvania. “You might say, ‘I’m doing things my way now,‘or it can happen organically as you clean things out,” she adds.

The goal: to create a space that reflects who you are and feels comforting. “Home is where we start from — it’s where we wake up and spend most of our time — so it has to feel good,” says Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma County, California, and author of “The Joy of Imperfect Love.”

Here, psychologists, interior designers, and people who’ve been through this experience share their favorite strategies for taking back your home.

“You can reuse the same furniture, but when you put it in a different room, it takes on a different use and a fresh feeling,” says Lee Waters, owner and creative director at Lee Waters Design in Midlothian, Virginia. “Or you can decide to do different activities in existing spaces.” Consider turning your living room into an office or study, for example. Or dedicate a corner to a new hobby, such as painting or doing yoga, or a favorite pastime, such as reading.

“When you move furniture, it can remove some of the relationship reminders and help you feel more in control of your environment,” Ford says.If space permits, find a new spot for the couch or place your bed against a different wall.

If you can’t rearrange furniture, try refreshing your couch with a slipcover and some decorative pillows, or painting the room a fresh color. “This can give you a new visual experience with the same furniture,” Waters says.

If you’re good with plants, you might bring in a couple for a dose of greenery and nature, says Sally Augustin, an environmental and design psychologist with Design With Science in Chicago. If you’re not, she says, consider buying a couple of good-quality fake plants — the kind you need to touch to see if they’re real.

“You should always use your space to communicate to yourself and others what’s important to you, what you value about yourself,” Augustin says. Choose paintings, prints, photography or posters that do just that. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune; thrift stores and flea markets can be excellent sources for art. Or frame photos of you and your friends doing favorite activities.

“This is an opportunity to express more of yourself than perhaps you did in the relationship,” says Megan Fleming, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert in New York City.

A shared bedroom is the most intimate of spaces, and perhaps the most likely to trigger memories and emotions, so it should be a priority when you’re revamping your home. New bedding is a great place to start, says Habiba Jessica Zaman, a licensed professional counselor in Tucker, Georgia.

After his ex moved out of their home in Sheridan, Wyoming, in 2022, Max Shak, founder and CEO of Zapiy.com, “bought new sheets in a bold color — orange — that my ex would have hated,” he says. “It instantly made the space feel like mine again.”

Jillian Sanders also overhauled her bedroom — specifically the stark white walls — after her ex moved out of their apartment. “I wanted something that felt fresh, so I chose a warm blush tone that instantly made the space feel lighter and more welcoming,” says Sanders, founder of Jillian Sanders Public Relations in Denver. She also splurged on soft pink bedding with delicate embroidery — “feminine but not overly frilly,” she says — and some velvet throw pillows in deep berry tones. “Waking up in a room that reflected my style instead of our past compromises was a simple, powerful shift,” she adds.

There’s more to making a place homey than paint and textiles. “Think about what the place smells like — smell is the most immediate route to our conscious brain,” Augustin says. “Think about a place you loved from the past and what it smelled like.” If it’s jasmine or lilacs from your mother’s garden, for example, consider using candles or fresh flowers to bring those scents to your home. After her breakup, Sanders bought candles with vanilla, fig and amber notes that she rotates depending on her mood.

The kitchen can also be a key source of smells (and tastes). “My ex wasn’t a fan of spicy food, but I love it, so I stocked up on hot sauces and started cooking dishes I had avoided before,” Shak says. “The smell of fresh sriracha and garlic in the air felt like a reset, a reminder that I was creating new experiences for myself.”

Put anything your ex left behind in a box for storage, or consider giving away or donating the items (assuming they don’t want them back). And while you don’t need to toss out all of your photos of the two of you, it’s wise to store them until you heal, Zaman says. Otherwise, “every time you see visual reminders, that reopens the wound. It’s like picking at a scab.”

But if there are things from your relationship that you still like, keep them and rebrand them by focusing on what you like about them, independent of the relationship, Augustin says. And if you’re on the fence about an item, “put it away for a while to see if you want to keep it,” Manly says.

Ultimately, taking these steps is about more than redecorating. It’s about taking care of yourself, reinforcing your sense of who you are outside the relationship and empowering yourself to move forward in your life in ways that feel good to you. “It’s about being grounded in your own sense of self,” Fleming says. “By creating an environment that supports you and makes you feel safe, you’ll promote your own wellness.”