Ask Eric: Being mean won’t inspire change

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for more than 30 years and enjoy each other’s company. But, as with many couples, there are certain things that we do that get on each other’s nerves. He always has been a neat and organized person, and I always have been a bit messy. I forget to put things in their place, so he usually reminds me. I am autistic (functional) and have ADD. This is not an excuse but a reason why things are difficult for me to remember.

Lately, his attitude when reminding me has been plain mean. He talks to me as if I’m a child, scolding me and making me feel terrible. At first, I tried my best to change, but now I get angry. I tell him I don’t appreciate being treated as a child which, in turn, makes him angry. Is it me? Is it him?

Eric says: It’s not you. Your husband may wish that you were neater or that you remembered the things, but that’s his problem and not yours. Here’s why: he’s not accepting you for who you are, nor is he tempering his response enough to communicate clearly. Being mean doesn’t inspire anyone to change. He could be coming to you with solutions or at least with the attitude that you’re both trying your best.

But let’s take a step back and assume that he’s also trying his best. Perhaps there are aspects of your shared life that started off as little annoyances for him and now have boiled over into resentments. He may feel powerless over this resentment, but he’s not. That’s something that he can work on.

Dear Eric: I have an adult nephew who is disrespectful and condescending to me. He has been since he was a little boy. My husband and son tell me he always needs to be the smartest person in the room and not to take it personally. But I’m tired of it.

Last holiday season I vowed to push back, softly and politely, but he did his condescending thing in front of and in the hearing of a dozen relatives and I worried even a polite rebuke would sound mean, so I sat there and took it silently, like I always have. I’ve felt like a wuss ever since. The holidays are coming up again. How can I stand up for myself without turning the family against me?

Eric says: I’m curious why the family would turn against you for speaking up. Are they also bullies? Or is your hesitation about how you feel you’ll be perceived? Part of bullying, sometimes, is convincing the bullied person that self-advocacy is rude, or socially unacceptable, or even bullying itself. This can come from one person, or it can be a collective creation.

If your family really would turn against you for saying “please don’t speak to me that way,” they already are against you. So, you don’t have anything to lose by advocating for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but ask yourself if an environment where people will get mad at you for pushing back on condescension is one that actually supports you.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.