Ask Eric: Caregiver irked at siblings

Dear Eric: I am a retired 70-year-old. My mother is 93 and lives alone about 20 miles from me. She has lived in her home for more than 50 years, is relatively healthy and still can take care of herself.

I am her primary caregiver. She does not drive. For 10 years, I have taken her to all of her many doctor appointments, done her grocery shopping, responded to late-night “emergencies” and taken care of everything she needs.

I do not get compensated for any ofthis. I have three younger siblings. Two live out of town and one lives even further from my mother than I do. I am frustrated with their lack of understanding how much I do.

Lately, I have started to think about how, because I have been taking care of my mother, my siblings stand to inherit thousands of dollars more than if she were paying to be in assisted living. None of them has ever brought up any type of compensation for all I do. They are clueless, and I am extremely frustrated.

Eric says: The fatigue and frustration you’re feeling is understandable. It’s also hard to navigate. While you love your mother and want to do what you can to make her life as good as possible, there are aspects of caregiving that can be overwhelming, which is why there are support groups for caregivers. Joining one might help you.

Try to separate the future financials from your mother’s needs in the present. Money is a red herring here. Not to say it doesn’t matter. Rather, the imbalance you’re feeling is largely emotional.

Yes, the siblings may inherit more than they would have. But if you hadn’t made the sacrifices you’ve made, your mom wouldn’t be as happy. Remembering the why behind your actions will help reorient them.

Think also about what you really want from your siblings. If it’s actually compensation, then say that. If it’s more thanks, say that. I fear that what you really want is some time back, some more help in the past. No one can give you that.

Dear Eric: The letter from the woman whose husband never gave feedback on her various hobbies reminded me of a similar situation involving me and a friend. I’m a freelance writer, and occasionally she asked to see my work. I’m not Tolstoy, but I’m good enough to have been published many times over the last few decades.

This friend told me she read the pieces. That was it. No comment. Nothing at all. What in the world does this mean? It’s obvious that I would be looking for some sort of critique or comment. I’ve never had a reaction like this, especially from someone who had been bugging me to hand over some of my essays and articles.

Eric says: We all like to hear that we did a good job, but I think you should take your encouragement from the fact that your friend asked to read your work in the first place. She then actually read it. Of all the things to do with one’s time, she chose to spend it with words you crafted. What an honor.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.