Ask Eric: Family needs to chip in

Dear Eric: My husband and I are senior citizens in a large, blended family. When we were younger and both gainfully employed, we paid for everything any time our blended family got together. The fact that we’re retired seems to make no difference in the expectation.

We realize we’re mostly to blame for this pattern. We keep thinking someone will offer to at least pay for their own family. So far that hasn’t happened, and that has limited our desire to get together with them as a group.

How, after 35 years, do we break this expectation?

Eric says: If it’s been going on for 35 years, it’s possible that your adult children think you want to pay. You should let them know that you want them to. It could be as simple as saying, “We’d love to go out to dinner, but it would be wonderful if someone else can pay.”

If they all decline and it’s not because of financial constraints, you have a decision to make. You can keep footing the bill for the sake of togetherness or you can find free ways to spend time as a family.

Dear Eric: I have a sister “Beth” who has treatment-resistant depression. I have another sister “Jo” who is physically and mentally healthy but had a really bad year.

Jo typically hosts family events. A few weeks ago, Jo texted our group chat that she doesn’t have the “spoons” to host holiday gatherings this year. Beth took Jo to task for using the term spoons. Beth told us that spoon theory belongs to mentally or chronically ill people the same way marginalized groups take back a former slur.

Jo revised her comment to say she doesn’t have the bandwidth to host this year. Beth said, “See, now that you know better, you can do better.”

Even if Beth is right about this, her tone and phrasing kicked Jo while she was down. I would like to talk to Beth about this. Before I do that, was she right in the first place? If she was, how do I explain to her that Jo isn’t depressed, but she had a pile of difficulties all the same?

Eric says: “Spoon theory” is a term coined by Christine Miserandino in a 2003 blog post as a way to explain what it was like to have limited mental, physical or emotional energy for the day’s tasks as a person living with lupus. In the years since, it has been adopted by many people living with other chronic illnesses, disabilities or health challenges. The comparison to a reclaimed slur is inaccurate and needlessly incendiary.

All that being said, let’s say that the sharpness of Beth’s response was her pain talking, or perhaps the justified anguish of not always having her struggle acknowledged in the way that Jo’s was being acknowledged. Jo’s hard year doesn’t trump Beth’s challenges, but empathy is not a finite resource.

When you talk to Beth, start with compassion. Ask her if there are areas where she’s not feeling seen and supported. Ask how you can help or listen. And then remind her that Jo is also navigating her own challenges.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.