Asking Eric: Greedy friend raids the leftovers

Dear Eric: I have been sharing Thanksgiving with dear friends for decades. About three years ago, they learned that a friend of mine, with whom they are acquainted, had no plans for the day. So, she has been invited and now attends annually.

These are kind and generous friends, so they offer their guests the opportunity to take home doggie bags. My friend is first in line and often takes enough for two to three people, regardless of the amount of food remaining and the number of people there.

My hosting friends are too nice to say anything to her. She is financially stable so that’s not the issue. Also, the hosts provide the entire meal; she brings nothing to the mix.

My friend is extremely sensitive, so I am reluctant to say anything. Do you have any advice?

Eric says: If the hosts don’t have a problem with it, neither should you. As the hosts, they’re setting the table and the parameters. They’re not asking anyone to bring anything and they’re encouraging their guests to take food home. If they wanted to set a limit on the number or size of doggie bags, they could.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has one daughter. He and her mother divorced when their daughter was eight, and it was rancorous. Her mother died just before my husband and I started dating.

When we married, she refused to acknowledge it or attend the wedding/birthday party held later to celebrate the wedding and her father’s 50th birthday. I was completely ghosted apart from her cruel jibes, such as posting on social media pictures of her past family to mark our first anniversary. When she was married, I attended but was treated as a pariah.

No amount of trying to talk about it got through to her. I decided it was best for me to stop trying to connect with her.

A few years go by, and she and her husband are having a baby. She suddenly appears for a visit and acts as if none of her ugly behavior ever happened. I chose to embrace her and really put my all into it, but it has been a struggle.

As I’ve gotten to know her, I realize I don’t like her very much. She’s manipulative and selfish and opens up to me only when she wants something. I’ve been the sucker who has showered money and expensive items on her and her family over the years.

Her father was recently very sick, and I spent months nursing him to health. She didn’t contact him much and never once checked in with me. This is a person who doesn’t like me either, just the perks. Realizing this, I’ve once again moved on emotionally. I feel liberated from this effort, but also guilty. Any advice?

Eric says: There’s the relationship you’d like to have with her, the relationship she wants to have with you and the relationship you both currently have. None of those seem to be aligning. The guilt you’re feeling may stem from the belief that maybe if you did something differently or gave her more time or more patience, you’d get the relationship you want. That’s understandable, but it’s not guaranteed.

One thing I’m not seeing here is a conversation about the harm done in the past. It’s OK to say, “I understand that you were grieving, but some things happened that weren’t right, and we should talk about them so we can move forward.”

But she and you have to be open to the vulnerability and the rebuilding that is required. It sounds like that’s just not where either of you are. Acknowledge that the semi-distant relationship you have might be what’s best for both of you right now.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.