Ask Eric: Grandkids kept from dad’s parents

Dear Eric: For the past 10 years we’ve always “been there” for our grandchildren (now 18 and 16) and my son and daughter-in-law.

In the past two years, things have changed. We have sent the grandkids cards, asked them to various events and sent weekly texts. Most go unanswered. So, I recently sent them a text and gently reminded them to respond when spoken to or when they receive a text, acknowledge cards and letters, and generally respect family ties and elders. Basic social skills that they should have learned by now.

My text seems to have driven a wedge between my daughter-in-law and us. She has since restricted my texts/communications with the grandkids. Her statement is that the kids “are too busy.” They don’t have time to say “thanks” or even acknowledge or respond to anything.

My son has gone underground, and we have not heard from him about where he stands on this. My daughter-in-law is a “helicopter mom” who is involved in every aspect of the kids’ lives. It seems that her outburst and overreaction may have been bubbling up for a while.

Eric says: Unless your son is in the CIA, he needs to forget about going underground and work through this family issue. You can help this along by reaching out to him directly and saying, “I think we got our wires crossed; can we talk about it?”

I doubt it’s a secret that you think of your daughter-in-law as a helicopter mom, so it’s likely her outburst was, as you suspect, the result of a longstanding set of gripes and perceived slights.

And it’s hard to read tone over text, so your reminder to your grandkids probably came across as you disciplining her kids. For her, that crossed a line, and she set a boundary.

The way out of this is to have a face-to-face conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Ask them if they feel you overstep or don’t respect their parenting.

Listen to what they have to say. Then, express your hope for your relationship with your grandkids. You won’t untangle this until you’re able to talk about what’s really important to each of you and what everyone’s boundaries are.

Dear Eric: My future sister-in-law is always taking pictures of family/friends but seems to exclude me.

She wanted a picture of my fiancé and his mother; I understand she wanted only them in the picture. But even my future mother-in-law suggested that she take another one that included me. She didn’t, of course.

This isn’t the only time she has snubbed me. Her daughter recently had a baby, and I asked to be included in her baby shower, but, somehow, I was overlooked.

I’m not sure how to handle being snubbed by her. I realize how other people treat you is more reflective of their character, but it still makes me feel left out. Do you have any suggestions?

Eric says: First, I acknowledge that if you’re feeling excluded, that’s valid. That said, I’m curious about why your future sister-in-law’s inclusion holds so much sway. Perhaps she’s the family photographer and so not taking photos of you amounts to a kind of erasure or delegitimizing of your relationship. Or perhaps you really just want her to like you.

All valid, but unlikely to be fully solved without a little bit more digging. Is the rest of the family welcoming to you? If you feel shunned by the family overall, that’s a good thing to bring up to your fiancé.

If it’s just about the sister-in-law, talking it through with your fiancé is a good start. Even if he says it’s nothing to worry about, he should take your feelings seriously and do things to make you feel included at the next gathering.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.