Ask Eric: Niece’s visit tests generosity

Dear Eric: My niece contacted me and said she was coming to a college reunion near me. She wondered if she and her family could stay at my home during the weekend. I was happy to have them, and they had a good time. My wife and I cooked several meals for them and loaned them a car.

Their final evening, we all went out to dinner (six of them and two of us), and when the bill came, it was placed on the table between my nephew and me. He never made a move, so I reached for it and paid for it all. He didn’t offer to share and, in not doing so, didn’t even give me the chance to express my generosity and say, “I’ve got it.”

I felt disappointed and used. How would you have handled this?

Eric says: Oh my! Your nephew should have offered to pay. Or, if that wasn’t within the family’s means, he could have said something beforehand and found another way to show their gratitude. Did they bring a gift basket? Did they send a thank you note? I certainly hope so.

In the moment, you might have said, “Shall we split it?” Perhaps you’d sent some sort of sign — intentionally or not — that you planned to treat them and he was trying not to insult you. Still, no one wants to have their generosity assumed. When the check comes, it’s best to put expectations on the table before credit cards.

Dear Eric: With regard to the letter from a person whose brother is ailing and needs family support, there are law firms that practice a process called Life Care Planning, which helps deal with legal, financial and health issues that come up when a family member is facing a new health situation. These life care planning firms can be found at lcplfa.org.

Life care planning connects families with a lawyer to address legal issues, as well as an Elder Care Coordinator to help address health and care needs. I’ll be clear that these services can be expensive up front but can help families save money in the long run.

Eric says: Thank you. This is a great option.

Dear Eric: I am compelled to respond to your advice to the writer who was taking care of her 93-year-old mother with little assistance from her siblings.

When my mother passed away three years ago, it became clear that I was going to do the majority of my father’s caregiving and handling of his affairs.

I told my siblings to create a spreadsheet on which everyone could list their expenses associated with Dad’s care (airfare, rental car, gas), and any time taken off of work would get a per diem per day ($100). Upon his passing, everyone who had related expenses would be reimbursed.

My Dad now lives with me and my family. In my area, the starting rate for senior housing is $4,500 per month, so I charge $2,500 per month for my dad’s care. To date, I have reimbursable expenses totaling $80,000. The attorney that we worked with when my dad rewrote his will said he wished more people would do this. My friends said they regret not thinking of this.

This has allowed our sibling relationship to remain intact and there is no resentment or anger. At the end of each year, I give my siblings a current balance so that they are aware.

I can enjoy the time my family has with my dad and be free of negativity associated with lackluster siblings.

Eric says: What I love most about this solution is that it’s rooted in clear communication with your siblings (and an attorney). This saves a lot of strife.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.