Dear Eric: I am a non-observant Jew. My spiritual beliefs are very personal, and I don’t discuss them casually. My mother became a Christian. This is important because, as she went deeper into her Christianity, she made friends who shared her beliefs.
One of them is Jean, a younger woman she called her spiritual daughter. My mother arranged my introduction to Jean because she hoped I could help Jean through a rough patch. I don’t share Jean’s religion, but we both were survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
It’s now 15 years later. My mother died last year, and I find less to speak with Jean about. The past few conversations always seemed to be mostly about our differences. I find the things she says judgmental.
I told her that I need a break from talking with her. She was somewhat defensive and told me how she feels she’s always been accepting toward me.
She’s a sweet person, but I’ve come to feel like I’m a project of hers rather than a friend. Can you suggest a way forward?
Eric says: Something about her claim that she’s always been accepting toward you doesn’t sit right with me. Your beliefs aren’t something she needs to accept. And she’s not in a position to decide whose faith is valid. I suspect that, by saying she’s accepting, she’s really indicating that she wishes she didn’t have to be. Hence the project.
Notably, you didn’t write that you are accepting toward her. Because from your version of events, Jean’s faith is a given that you didn’t feel the need to give permission to.
Going forward, you should both think about what the foundation of the next phase of your friendship can be. You started off connecting over places where your life experiences intersected, but now the basis seems to be your differences. If you and Jean can’t find something equally fulfilling on which to keep building your relationship, this friendship’s season may have passed.
