Ask Eric: Wife tired of being the scheduler

Dear Eric: My husband’s parents are divorced. In the last year or so, my in-laws have started communicating with me instead of my husband to make plans. Example: My husband called his dad to make New Year’s plans. A few days later, my father-in-law texted me with the details about times to arrive and eat.

Neither my husband nor I like this. I have enough on my plate dealing with my family as well all the other details involving our own two kids. My husband feels left out of the loop and that they are treating him like an incompetent child.

What is the best way to communicate to my in-laws that they need to contact their son and not me?

Eric says: Your in-laws might see you as the planner. Maybe you reply to texts faster or have a better grasp of the family calendar. It’s a gift that can become a curse, especially with divorced in-laws who aren’t coordinating schedules.

The easiest path forward is for your husband to address it directly. Indeed, the fact that your husband finds it as frustrating as you do, but you’re the one who reached out about it might indicate an area of opportunity.

He has the power to get back into the proverbial loop by being proactive about guiding his parent’s habits and expectations. He can say to them, “My wife has a really full plate; I’m going to be handling family planning going forward.” This might take some gentle redirection before it sticks.

You can help. For instance, in the case of New Year’s plans, when you got the text from your father-in-law, you might have replied, “Can you send this to husband? He’s managing the plan.”

Dear Eric: My four siblings and I were reared by a cruelly abusive mother. We all carried heavy baggage with us into our adult lives. Our symptoms are classics: addictions, low self-esteem, attachment disorder, over/under achievement, introversion and loneliness.

I’ve never enjoyed spending time with or speaking with my mother. I still see her as evil and unrepentant, and, indeed, she’s still quite willing and able to lash out verbally when she finds it convenient. She has never expressed any awareness of or remorse for the damage she did.

She hasn’t much time left on this earth; at 93 she’s failing physically and mentally. She is a lonely woman who lives alone. I still visit her to take care of handy-man tasks, have lunch, at holidays, etc.

Why do I (and should I) continue to spend time with her when it still activates my PTSD? And should I feel obligated to say anything kind about her after she’s passed?

Eric says: Even though you may, at times, chastise yourself for spending time with your mother and helping her with tasks, please try to allow yourself some grace.

You’re trying to do the right thing and, likely, also hoping that this kindness can earn some kindness in return. These are things that you can unpack and start to heal in therapy. There’s a lot there and it’s not too late to start, if you haven’t already.

Remember that your mother may not be willing or able to give you what you need. That means that you may want to share your truth with others, a loved one or friend, who can hold it with you and help you process it.

What to say when she passes, if anything, is also a question of expectations. Try to separate what you need in order to find peace from what you feel she’d demand of you. I think what you’re really asking is if you need to continue to operate under her terms, now or in the future. You don’t. Your truth is your guiding star.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.