Asking Eric: Family care isn’t all or nothing

Dear Eric: My younger sister and I are only a year and a half apart, but our relationship has been a constant cycle of fights and arguments all our lives.

My sister has a negative attitude about life that has been unfortunately validated by devastating loss. I, on the other hand, had a rather cushioned life until our elderly mom had a stroke, becoming totally dependent on my husband and me financially, physically and emotionally for 15 years. It was the most difficult time I ever experienced, although I was grateful to be able to do it.

My sister and her husband offered us no assistance the whole time. Two years ago, my sister suffered a stroke leaving her unable to care for herself. She and her inept husband expect me to provide the same care for her as I did for our mom.

I resent the expectation but feel compelled to help. I’m in my 80s, still healthy and energetic but I don’t know how much more time I have left on this earth. I don’t want to spend it caring for my sister, especially when she has a husband and a grown son who all seem to think that my life and endeavors should be sacrificed for her.

I have found caregivers for her, but when that doesn’t work out, they look to me to fill the void. I am sad, angry and torn. I don’t know how to limit my care for her without feeling intense guilt. What can I do?

Eric says: As you noted, providing care to a loved one involves a constellation of resources — money, emotion, time, logistics and physical capacity. While it can be all-encompassing, care isn’t all or nothing.

So, try to think of the care you’re already providing for your sister — finding additional support, providing emotional support, navigating family dynamics — as a full offering rather than something incomplete.

The guilt is telling you that you should be superhuman, all while pushing down the hard feelings that are still lingering from your complicated relationship. The guilt is lying to you because it’s rooted in a desire to fix the unfixable. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.

A conversation with your sister in which you can try to heal some of the past wounds, resentments and hurts is going to do a lot to help here. Separately, you should have a very tough love talk with her husband and her son. They don’t get to tell you what’s expected of you. They don’t get to neglect their loved one while you struggle under the weight of the responsibility. If they don’t have the tools or skills, I’m sure that you can point them to resources because you had to find them yourself. It’s time for them to step up.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.