Asking Eric: Foster parent is tired of the drama

Dear Eric: Twelve years ago, I was a foster parent for a 12-year-old. “Angel” was reunified with her father after a year, and when that blew up, she came back to live with me. She has left and come back multiple times over the years.

Angel just had a baby and is struggling. She seems angry all the time. She has a history of being mean, rude and disrespectful to me, and at each turn, I decided to stick around.

Angel is a trauma survivor and victim of abuse and neglect as a child. I strive to offer empathy, support and unconditional love. But I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, unappreciated and just plain sick of all the drama.

Then I remember that nothing I feel could possibly compare to the challenges that she has faced, and the lifetime of trauma she has experienced. How can I justify being one more adult who lets her down (in her eyes, anyway) and walks away?

Eric says: This process of “rupture and repair” is a lifetime one, according to Priscilla Singleton, director of Clinical Standards at the Council for Relationships. Angel is going to keep pushing to make sure that you’re actually going to stick around, Singleton said. Your presence, whether Angel is accepting or rejecting it, is still a message that maybe the world is a safe place.

You have tools that Angel doesn’t. Instead of walking away, work with a therapist or support group that has training in fostering and adoption. They can help you set a boundary that will keep you both safe.

Dear Eric: I was married for 25 years to a good man. We just weren’t great as a married couple. We have two grown children who live on their own.

Now that our amicable divorce is final, he has moved in with the person he started seeing while we were divorcing. I respect the relationship, and I’m happy for them.

The problem is, she has cut me out of any communication with him. Apparently, she doesn’t believe our relationship is appropriate, and now he is trying to make her happy by telling me not to contact him anymore. There are things regarding our daughters that I would like to discuss with him. I can’t understand how us talking can be an issue.

I am having a hard time accepting this ban knowing how we both agreed that our friendly relationship was best for our family going forward. Am I out of line here?

Eric says: You’re not out of line. Your ex’s new partner may be feeling insecure because you have a longstanding and healthy relationship with your ex.

You should respect what he’s asking for, but be clear to him that it’s not what you discussed with respect to your daughters. I wouldn’t press it though. This relationship is still new. Give it time to settle.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.