How to deal with a new romance

Q: My ex and I split up six months ago, and our children go back and forth between our new homes. We don’t have a formal parenting plan — the split was amicable; we share the kids every few days. They are 5 and 7. It seems to be working OK, but I have recently met someone new. I am afraid this will complicate things, and their mother will not return the kids when I want them. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Unfortunately, human nature does kick in at times and triggers unpredictable responses in exes. You think, “Oh, they would never do this or that.” But then jealousy rears its head.

The introduction of a new love interest, especially after only six months of living apart and getting along well, means a new person probably will come as a surprise. So you are right about being a little concerned. Hopefully, if your ex is triggered, she will not use the children to get back at you.

Having a formal parenting plan in place is a good idea for multiple reasons. First, consistency. A parenting plan allows co-parents to plan their life, plus adds consistency to the children’s transition from house to house. The kids will know where they will be, and so will their friends and teachers. Consistency and staying organized will help your children adjust to the fact that they now live in two homes.

Second, it ultimately will prevent arguments. There will not have to be a discussion and the need to negotiate each time there is a transition.

So, how do you break the news that you are now seeing someone else? If mom has no idea that you are seeing someone, when the kids come home with the news, her reaction easily could be over-the-top. Say she loses her temper, starts calling you or the new person names and acts like it’s all wrong. Now the kids think you are doing something wrong, when meeting someone new is completely predictable.

That’s why it is best to tell your co-parent before the kids know, even if it is as insignificant as, “I’m dating other people now.” Then your ex can reinforce the news (hopefully) by saying something to the kids like, “Yes, your dad told me last week.”

It’s best for the kids when they see their parents remain cordial. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.