Asking Eric: It’s not too late to leave

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our mid-70s and have been married for more than 50 years. He has been physically disabled since our mid-30s, has some form of OCD (never officially diagnosed because he refuses), and now has symptoms of early dementia.

He has extreme mood swings, does not have a normal sleep pattern, is verbally abusive and demeaning and shows no concerns for my most basic needs. Any feelings of love are long gone. I used to say that on a good day, I halfway like him, but I can’t even say that anymore.

I should have left him years ago, and now I feel trapped. I would be much happier without him, but it feels like I would be abandoning a dependent person, and I’m not sure I could live with the guilt. Is there any way to get out of what is feeling increasingly like a living hell? Or is it too late for that?

Eric says: I want to assure you that it’s not too late. While he may not be able to fully care for himself because of his medical issues, there’s a big difference between him being dependent on you and using his disability to excuse his abusive behavior.

Figure out what your financial landscape would look like if you were to leave. You also can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) for support and legal aid.

Your husband should be involved in his own care. But it will help you both to enlist some outside support. The Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org/wny) and the Center for Elder Law & Justice (elderjusticeny.org) have resources for caregivers. They also can connect you with a social worker or other skilled professionals to aid your husband in making decisions about his care.

Your husband likely will resist any attempt to change the status quo. But marriage is a mutual agreement, not a life sentence. You deserve joy.

Dear Eric: My 74-year-old sister wants to blame me for introducing her to her husband 50 years ago. I did not pick him out for her, I just made an introduction. She wants me to share the blame for her miserable life with this man.

She has had many opportunities to leave him but chose to stay. Granted, he treats her like garbage, but she just keeps taking it. I do feel sorry for her, but she won’t listen to anyone. Was she wrong for blaming me or did I take it wrong?

Eric says: Now I’ve heard everything! How exactly does your sister think that you’re responsible for five decades of her decisions? Nope. Case dismissed. I do hope that your sister is able to find relief or a solution to her misery. But concerning you, she seems to be choosing blame over action. That won’t solve anything.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.