Asking Eric: Kids blame mom for dad’s cheating

Dear Eric: Throughout our marriage my husband has had trysts online and in person. When I became aware of this, I began the process of leaving, but then I was diagnosed with cancer and my focus completely changed from leaving to surviving.

Now my children, a teen and preteen, have become aware of my husband’s infidelity. My daughter saw my husband kissing another woman about a year ago. She’s only now shared this.

I’m scared to leave. I am an independent contractor, so I don’t have my own health insurance, plus neither of us could financially survive a divorce.

Most importantly, even with his infidelity, I love him and the life we have together. I know he’ll never leave, but he also isn’t going to stop cheating.

My children aren’t bitter toward their father but continue to make comments that I should leave and that I need to have some self-respect. Do I continue to ignore these remarks? Or do I have a hard adult conversation with them and explain that even when there is infidelity there can still be love?

Eric says: It’s time for a conversation with your kids. Your husband needs to take an active role in this.

Tell him that it’s up to him to own up to his actions and have a mature talk with the kids about their misplaced shaming. He should do this part on his own, this isn’t your burden to share and the kids need to get that.

I know that leaving is not an option you can entertain, and you’ve said he won’t stop cheating, but you should draw a line at him taking responsibility for the impact of his actions.

You deserve this much (and more). It is not unfair to ask for it.

Your kids also are dealing with a lot. While their comments toward you are unfair, their acting out probably also is indicative of deeper pain they don’t have the emotional vocabulary to deal with.

Of equal importance: A family therapist can help you sort out your own feelings. Your emotional health shouldn’t come secondary to anyone else’s.

Dear Eric: My daughter visited my son and daughter-in-law in anticipation of the arrival of their baby daughter. The nursery was decorated with wallpaper that had roses as a motif. My daughter loved the design.

A year later, my daughter gave birth to her daughter, named Rose. She had looked online for many wallpaper designs but returned to the same rose design that my daughter-in-law had, which fit my granddaughter’s name.

My daughter-in-law is very hurt. She will not speak with my daughter or attend any family occasions if my daughter is present because she feels that my daughter stole her idea. She insists that my daughter remove the wallpaper.

I suggested to my daughter that she change the wallpaper to “keep the peace.” .She refuses to do so because she loves the wallpaper, many other people also have it in their homes and she does not want to give in to what she considers irrational demands. What would you suggest?

Eric says: I suggest that your daughter-in-law go outside, calm down and touch some grass. She cannot have a monopoly on every product. And buying it first doesn’t give her “dibs.”

Your daughter doesn’t need to remodel a room to appease your daughter-in-law. That peace isn’t worth keeping. The position your daughter-in-law is taking is unreasonable.

It does no one any good to hoard the things that make you happy. Joy is not a scarce commodity.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.