Asking Eric: New couple has sex issues

Dear Eric: I met this wonderful lady a year ago. We hit it off and have been together ever since. We enjoy the same things. We spend weekends at each other’s houses. I love her, and she loves me.

The issue is intimacy. I enjoy the closeness, holding hands, hugging and cuddling on the couch, but I don’t enjoy sex with her.

I find it difficult to perform, and even when I can, it’s not satisfying. She says she is satisfied with our sex life, but I have my doubts. Should I tell her I think we’re just better off being friends?

Eric says: Do you not enjoy sex with her, or is it that you don’t enjoy sex at all anymore? If it’s the former, you may be better as friends.

Or, since everything else is going so well, you can broach the subject of taking sexual intimacy out of your relationship. There are plenty of people who are in love and have healthy relationships and also are not having sex with each other.

If, however, the issue is focused more generally on your enjoyment of sex, I would hold off on ending things. It sounds like you’re experiencing some anxiety around performance, which is totally normal.

Try talking to your doctor or a therapist about what you’re experiencing. They can walk you through some remedies that could take the pressure off.

Dear Eric: We are very good friends with a couple we have known for more than 50 years. Their anniversary is approaching, and I usually send a card.

The problem is that the husband has terminal cancer and is unlikely to live out the year. Many greeting cards for anniversaries have sentiments like, “Happy Anniversary,” followed by “and for many more years,” or “the best is yet to come.”

Perhaps I’ll send a blank card with my own sentiment. Any suggestions about what to write? Even if I found one with a printed message, I’d like to put in a personal note.

Eric says: The time is always right to tell those we love that we love them. I think you should follow your impulse about getting a blank card and take the opportunity to express how much this couple has meant to you. It doesn’t have to be maudlin or melodramatic, but see if you can find the words to tell them how valuable their friendship has been, how they’ve impacted your life and how grateful you are to know them. Maybe there’s a favorite memory that you want to call to mind — something funny or lovely.

Also, consider acknowledging that this moment is awful and tough and there are hard emotions all around. It will be helpful for them to be reminded that they’re not alone in the grief and fear that this diagnosis is bringing, nor is their 50-year union defined by it.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.