Asking Eric: Wife’s old tryst haunts her husband

Dear Eric: I am 80 and have been married to the best possible wife for 33 years. We connect and are soulmates.

I don’t understand why, but recently I found myself jealous about an affair she had with a 17-year-old high school student when she was a 27-year-old teacher.

Why has this reactive jealousy consumed me now? I want to know many details about that encounter but realize that will only dig me deeper into my obsession. What can I do?

Eric says: Whenever seemingly random events from the past take up new residence in my mind, I always think of that moment in a murder drama when a body floats to the surface of a swamp to be discovered years after the initial crime. Like the plot of a movie, these mysterious feelings always involve more questions than answers and they’re never really about what they initially seem to be about.

What your wife did wasn’t appropriate, but it doesn’t sound like this new obsession is about ethical violations. I don’t think it’s about what happened in the past at all.

If you have the resources, talking to a counselor or therapist about this fixation can help you get to the root of what you’re really stressed about. Maybe there’s something shifting in your marriage, or maybe you’re experiencing anxiety about yourself or your body. These things are normal, and it’s possible to shift your thinking about them so that the movies in your mind stop playing.

It’s also important to put a clear boundary between what’s going on in your head and what’s going on in your marriage. Don’t make your obsession your wife’s issue, but if there’s something in your marriage that needs to be worked out, being upfront about what else is going on in your head will clear the path for healthier discussion.

Dear Eric: About three years ago, a work friend “T” and I became close. I, a non-trusting person who usually keeps people at arm’s length, believed I had found a new “bestie”.

But, once in a while and completely unexpectedly, T goes into a “mean girl” mode. She’ll make undermining comments about my appearance, snap at me about seemingly trivial things and act annoyed by my behavior.

On a recent weekend trip together, her “mean girl” persona reared its ugly head. When I told her how it made me feel, she said that I caused her behavior because I don’t listen to her adequately.

These episodes are a painful reminder of my sister, who has a personality disorder and exhibits similar behavior toward me. I had to distance myself from her for my own well-being.

I don’t want to give up on my friendship with T, but I can’t continue feeling like her emotional punching bag. Any ideas how to handle this situation?

Eric says: At some point, before meeting you, T learned that if she wasn’t getting the attention she wants, she should be aggressively mean. And now you’re suffering for it.

Worse still, because T’s behavior mimics your sister’s, it’s likely prompting you to put up with it longer than you might otherwise. This is a terrible vise you’re in.

Try talking to T in a non-mean girl moment, setting a clear boundary. Tell her that in order to maintain this relationship, she has to control herself. Ask her if she understands how this makes you feel and what her plan is to set a healthier course for your friendship.

If T won’t respect your boundary, then it’s safest for you to limit your contact with her.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.