Asking Eric: Partner’s family is a deal breaker

Dear Eric: My partner and I are nearing our third anniversary, and as we begin to talk seriously about the prospect of marriage, I’ve found myself a bit troubled that I have not met his family. This is my first “serious adult” relationship (I am 25; he is 34), so I don’t know how to gauge what is normal, but my gut tells me that this is a bit strange.

He was raised by a single mother and was extremely close to her and his sister, but he stopped speaking to them after we got together. When I broach the subject of his mother or sister, he completely shuts down.

Family is extremely important to me, so this could be a deal breaker. Have I already committed too much time and effort for someone who is clearly unwilling to discuss their feelings with me?

Eric says: Does he truly not trust you with his feelings, or are his feelings so raw and unresolved he can’t articulate them?

To get at answers, and to hopefully see each other more clearly, consider doing premarital counseling. A counselor or faith leader can provide a non-charged space for the two of you to talk about your relationship. His relationship with his family, even estranged, is part of your relationship because it’s a part of him.

He may never be ready to talk about what happened. You should respect his boundaries while still staying true to what you need in this relationship. The two of you should be able to communicate without him shutting down. And you need to get clarity on his feelings around family. This will help you decide if the relationship still works for you.

Dear Eric: I’m a single man who has been divorced from my children’s mother for more than 25 years. I tried to be a good dad to my kids and got along well with their mom.

My ex-wife and I worked together to help get four kids through college without any debts.

After several years of his own marriage our oldest son made us grandparents. I came into some money about that time and moved away from where we raised our kids to the new town where the grandbaby lives, and that’s when the trouble started.

I have heard some terrible lies from my adult children that they have reported being told to them by their mother, and now they don’t want to have anything to do with me.

I think my ex is jealous that I came into some inheritance and am living a comfortable life. These are the sunset years of my life, and I don’t know how I should approach my situation. Do you have any suggestions, and should I consult an attorney? I feel like I’ve been slandered.

Eric says: Suing your ex for slander is going to escalate everything, perhaps irrevocably, so let’s first on what can be repaired.

The most pressing issue is your relationship with your children. Do they believe what they’ve been told? Is any of it true? If everything is a lie, what made them believe it so readily?

These things rarely come out of nowhere. Go to them with openness: “Can you help me understand why you’re upset with me? I’d like to repair what I can, but I need to know what the issue is.”

This isn’t a time for you to hotly defend yourself. You may be completely blameless, but if you can’t hear what’s going on with your children — wrongheaded or not — it won’t matter what your ex-wife is saying.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.