Asking Eric: Senior love isn’t ‘cute’

Dear Eric: I am newly in love and engaged. My fiancé and I are both in our early 70s. Quite a few of my friends have responded to the news with: “How cute!” Somehow the fact that we plan to marry is “cute.”

I realize that people are happy for us and that the marriage of two people past 70 is unexpected and startling in a pleasant way. But cute? Would anyone call an impending marriage of two 35-year-olds cute? Am I being over-sensitive about ageism? And can you come up with a response?

Eric says: Congratulations. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. But I think people tend to lump a lot of love relationships into the cute category. It can be shorthand for something unexpected but lovely.

That said, thinking it’s unexpected to find love past 70 is ageist. Bottom line: if it doesn’t sit right with you, that’s all that matters.

Try coming up with another descriptor. Something that matches the way you feel. “Oh, we don’t think it’s cute. We think it’s (fill in the blank).” It could be “passionate,” “romantic,” “right on time” or anything else you choose. You get to define your relationship.

Dear Eric: One of my son’s former classmates still keeps in touch with me. She and my son haven’t been in touch in more than 10 years, but she continues to call and invites me to both her daughters’ birthday parties.

I’m not sure why she wants to stay in touch. I had hoped she would develop new friendships by now, but I don’t think she has many friends. I really don’t want to encourage her, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Any advice?

Eric says: I curious what started this friendship. Were you ever close, or did she just start reaching out and capitalized on your politeness?

If she doesn’t have any idea you don’t want to stay in touch, then — unfortunately for you — you have to give her an idea. You can redefine your relationship kindly, but no matter how gently you do it, she still may have hurt feelings. Nevertheless, if it’s weighing on you, you should follow through.

Something short and to the point will work: “It’s been a long time since high school. Let’s go our separate ways. I wish you all the best.”

Dear Eric: My husband has a longtime friend who makes plans with him/us, for outings, weekends and even holidays, and then cancels a few days before the event. This annoys me very much. I cannot say anything to this person; it’s my husband’s friend and I prefer to stay out of that dynamic. So what do I do about this?

Eric says: Your husband should say — seriously or jovially, whichever feels most comfortable — that he’d invite the friend to more things, but he can’t risk getting canceled on. Even a semi-serious “is this a real ‘yes’ or a ‘yes’ that is going to turn into a ‘no’?” can help broach the subject.

By canceling so much, he’s telling the husband that their friendship isn’t as valuable to him. Surely that’s not what he means. But actions speak louder than RSVPs.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.