Asking Eric: Wife in the dark about finances

Dear Eric: I’m a 62-year-old female and have been married to my second husband (he’s 65) for 30 years. We are empty nesters. Never once has my husband divulged to me what his financial situation is. He still works, but now that I am disabled and don’t work anymore, I depend on him financially.

I have no idea where we stand. I’ve asked him many times to sit down with me and plan a budget. I feel like I’m going through life fiscally blind. What can I say to convince him to give me that information? What would happen if he died before me?

Eric says: Focus on the question of long-term care and stability should he predecease you. Ask him what his end-of-life plans are. Does he have a will? How will you know what his accounts are, should you survive him? Framing your concerns as questions about long-term planning may help him understand how important it is to be forthcoming.

Generously, I want to assume his reticence is due to machismo — i.e., he wants to take care of you. But withholding information, especially when it’s asked for repeatedly, is awful in a marriage.

It’s irresponsible for him not to plan or for him not to let you know what that plan is.

Dear Eric: I am a 58-year-old divorced woman. I have been dating my current partner for eight years. He is a talented, sensitive, complicated man.

If we have a disagreement, he can get mean, tends to call me names, monopolizes the conversation and rarely understands why I am upset.

I need to understand why he turns into a different person when we argue. I am confused and need advice.

Eric says: The way your partner is has the hallmarks of emotional abuse. It is not your fault that he seems to turn into a different person when you argue. You are not causing him to belittle you, and it isn’t lashing out for you to express how his behavior makes you feel.

You two can address his actions in therapy, but the first thing you should do is take care of yourself. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 800-799-7233 or by texting BEGIN to 88788. Please reach out, even if you feel that it’s not that bad when you’re not arguing.

Dear Eric: I’m in my mid-60s and did not grow up using social media. Honestly, I find it silly to think anyone would care about my daily activities and dining options. Thus, I stay off all of the platforms.

In the past I have hosted exclusive, invite-only, parties at my house. Modesty aside, some of these parties are rather elegant with catered food and high-end wines. On numerous occasions, a few days after the parties, I hear from some of the people who were not invited: “I saw on Facebook that you had a party. Why wasn’t I invited?”

I can’t invite all my friends every time I have a party. I don’t have the space, money or inclination to send an open invitation. How can I respond to some of those who were excluded but inquisitive?

Eric says: It’s presumptuous of anyone to demand an explanation for not getting an invite. That’s just an invitation to have bruised feelings.

Tell these social media sleuths that there wasn’t enough room this time or you were cultivating a certain group that would all get along. They can accept it or not. But you don’t have to explain yourself to them.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.