Grief and food intersect in new cookbook from a Minnesota support group

Three photos are stuck to the front panel of Annie Sperling’s oven. It’s the only surface in her Eden Prairie white-wood-covered kitchen that can attract a magnet, so that’s where they have hung for almost five years, since shortly after she moved into the house with her husband Adam and their two kids.

In the top photo, Adam shares ice cream with his young son and daughter. In the middle, a kiss from his son. And on the bottom, Adam and Annie stand behind their infant in a high chair.

Every time she opens that oven — which is often, as an avid home cook — Sperling thinks of Adam, who died in early 2020 from cancer.

The photos are just one way that food is intertwined with her memories of him. And there are so many memories. The spaghetti sauce, his specialty, for which he had no recipe, and that Sperling has tried to recreate for their kids. The twice-baked cinnamon-sugar almond cookies he loved. The matzo ball soup she would cook for him to help him feel better when his health was declining, and that she still makes on Jewish holidays, like Rosh Hashanah, which begins Oct. 2.

On the first anniversary of his death, Sperling shipped Adam’s most-loved foods from New York City and held a feast from his favorite haunts, Pastrami Queen and Russ & Daughters. The family marked that sad day with food, because “eating was his favorite thing,” said Sam Sperling, Annie and Adam’s 13-year-old son.

For many people in mourning, food is an essential component to grieving the death of a loved one. It’s not just the support that comes from the casseroles and cakes friends and neighbors bring over (though those are important, too). Food can be the equivalent of a T-shirt that still has the scent of someone you love. Cooking a grandparent’s recipes or tasting a late-husband’s favorite foods can a be a vehicle by which to remember them years after they’ve passed, a way to wrap yourself up in the visceral pleasures of the life they once lived.

On a recent trip to New York City, Sperling took her children to a Spanish restaurant where she and Adam used to go on dates. She ordered their favorite paella. “I took that first bite and broke down in tears because it, you know, it brought such beautiful memories back of our time,” she said, her eyes welling up. “Sitting in that space and eating that meal, it’s just wonderful to relive that.”

With the death of a partner, there also can be new challenges around food, such as navigating how to to nourish a busy family when life continues on, or learning how to cook for one.

As the member of a widows’ group at the Grief Club of Minnesota, Sperling is helping tackle those challenges as a curator of a new cookbook, “Good Grief! What’s For Dinner?”

The book contains 200 recipes from members of support groups at the Chanhassen-based Grief Club of Minnesota, and others. The book will be released Sept. 19 at the Grief Club’s annual soiree and will also be available to purchase online.

Many of the recipes aim to help those who have lost a spouse learn to cook for their families with fast, easy and well-liked recipes. They also create a space for contributors to share memories and stories of their loved ones’ love of food.

Sperling contributed several of Adam’s favorite recipes to the book. They’re the recipes she cooks again and again with their children, Sam and Evie, who were 8 and 4 when Adam died. “There’s a lot they don’t remember,” she said, “so it’s this process of continually having to keep his spirit alive by sharing all those good things.”

Food and grief go hand-in-hand, said Sarah Kroenke, a grief counselor and the co-founder and executive director of the Grief Club of Minnesota, which provides support and therapy for people who have experienced an “out-of-order” loss.

“When somebody dies, what’s the first thing we typically think about? Let’s bring them a lasagna and a pan of bars,” Kroenke said. “That is what our culture does: we bring food to provide care and comfort and love.”

After the immediate loss, food then becomes a conduit to memories, Kroenke continued. Many clients ask her how they should honor a loved one on their birthday, for example.

“We talk about the importance of acknowledgment. It doesn’t have to be big and significant, but maybe that person loved carrot cake and cheeseburgers on the grill. That connection with the person who has died by maybe having cheeseburgers and carrot cake every year, it almost becomes this tradition.”

Food can also help people relate to one another when the chasm of grief makes it hard to connect in other ways.

Earlier this year, Lakewood Cemetery in Minneapolis hosted an event in its new Welcome Center on the topic of food and grief, inviting attendees to bring an object for a community kitchen altar. It could have been a handwritten recipe card, a platter or a packet of seeds, for example. But “in true Minnesota fashion,” many of the attendees brought potluck dishes to share, said Amanda Luke, Lakewood’s community programs manager.

It reminded Luke of funerals where mourners nibble on sandwiches, cheesy potatoes and “green Jell-O fluff,” the foods she still finds most comforting after someone passes because they were the things she would eat “while I was connecting with my family.”

Sharing food in times of grief is “so unifying,” Luke said. “There’s so many things in life or in death that are unique to each person or their tradition or their family, but we’ve all got to eat.”

“Good Grief! What’s For Dinner?” by the Grief Club of Minnesota is available to order online for $35 at griefclubmn.com/cookbook. It will also be available at the Healing Hearts Soiree, the group’s annual fundraiser, on Thu., Sept. 19 at 6 p.m. at the Grief Club of Minnesota, 2025 Coulter Blvd., Chanhassen. Get more details about the book, soiree and the group at griefclubmn.org.

Makes 20.

Note: From Annie Sperling, in “Good Grief! What’s For Dinner?” who writes: “In loving memory of my great-grandmother, Clara Handler, who could make anything with nothing in her refrigerator. Mandel bread, also known as Mandelbrot, is a Jewish cookie with a rich history. Similar to biscotti, it’s twice baked and absolutely delicious with coffee or tea.”

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prepare 9- by 13-inch pan with cooking spray and set aside.

In a large bowl, combine eggs, 1 cup of sugar and oil. Stir until oil becomes incorporated into the mixture. Next, add the salt, flour, baking powder and almond extract until well combined. Fold walnuts into batter. Using a spatula, transfer the batter into the prepared pan and gently flatten the batter until it is nice and even. Bake for approximately 15 to 20 minutes, or until the edges are a light golden brown.

While the Mandel Bread is baking, prepare your cinnamon-sugar mixture by simply mixing the remaining 1 cup of sugar and the cinnamon together. Set aside until ready to use.

Remove the Mandel Bread from the oven and allow it to cool for 5 minutes. Carefully slice the bread into bars, by making one cut vertically and approximately 10 cuts horizontally. The recipe should yield between 18 to 22 pieces, depending on how thinly you slice them. Carefully remove the sliced bread from the pan and arrange the slices side up on a large cookie sheet or jelly roll pan. Generously sprinkle the bread with cinnamon-sugar mixture with a shaker or by spooning the mixture over the top of each slice. Once each piece is coated, place the pan back in the oven and bake again until golden brown, 8 to 10 minutes. Remove from oven and allow Mandel Bread to cool slightly. It can be served warm or at room temperature and can be kept fresh in an airtight container for 3 to 5 days. These also freeze well for up to 2 months.

Serves 8 to 10.

Note: It is recommended to not cook the matzo balls in the same pot as the soup because the starch from the matzo balls will turn the broth very cloudy. The matzo balls will also retain a lot of the broth, reducing the amount of broth you have to serve. From Annie Sperling, in “Good Grief! What’s For Dinner?”

For the soup:

For the matzo balls:

Directions

In a large soup pot, place the whole chicken, onions, parsnips, carrots and celery. Pour chicken broth into the pot until chicken is just covered. (If there’s more room, add water.) Bring pot to a gentle boil over medium-high heat, allowing it cook, uncovered, for 25 minutes. Remove any foam or fat that collects on the surface of the broth.

Reduce heat to low and add the bay leaf, ¼ cup dill, ¼ cup parsley, salt and pepper. Simmer, uncovered, over low heat for 3 hours. Occasionally skim the surface to remove excess fat. Taste the soup to ensure it’s seasoned properly. You may need to add more salt and pepper, so season liberally until a delicious, rich broth is achieved.

While the soup is cooking, prepare the matzo balls. Combine the oil and eggs in a large bowl and gently mix to combine. Add one bag of matzo ball mix to the egg mixture, along with ¼ cup dill and ¼ cup parsley. (If you’re using two bags of matzo ball mix, be sure to double the ingredients.) Stir until ingredients are well incorporated. Cover bowl of matzo ball mixture with plastic wrap and chill in the refrigerator for 15 to 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil. Remove matzo ball mixture from the fridge. Wet your hands and gently roll the mixture into golf ball-sized balls. Carefully drop the matzo balls into the boiling water. Return water to a boil, cover with a tight-fitting lid, reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer for 20 to 30 minutes. The matzo balls will triple in size.

Remove one matzo ball from the pot and slice it in half to make sure the center is cooked. If the center looks dry, simmer the matzo balls for an additional 3 minutes (you do not want to overcook the matzo balls as they will eventually turn mushy). Once the matzo balls are done, remove from the pot and transfer to a glass baking dish. When the soup has finished cooking, transfer the soup to individual serving bowls and place 2 to 3 matzo balls in each bowl. Enjoy with a loaf of challah.