Ask Amy: 'Gunkle' and niece are out of tune

Dear Amy: I have twin nieces, both 29. I am the "gunkle" (gay uncle) who always has been their biggest cheerleader, helped financially with their education, the person they often came to for advice, etc. We're super close, although we live in different cities and now only see each other a couple of times a year.

Last weekend, one of my nieces attended a concert in another state, a trip that routed her and her husband within a mile of my home, both going and returning. Good news, right? Wrong.

Her husband and I have our own (poor) opinions of one another. I have tried to repair the relationship but have not had any response from him.

On their trip, she did not visit or let me know they would be nearby. The only reason I know she went to the concert was by her social media posts.

I am hurt. It's not like they couldn't have driven 10 blocks out of their way to say a quick hello. How should I react? Am I expecting too much?

Amy says: You are not expecting too much.

Here's the transparently frank response: "I was so disappointed to see on Instagram that you and your husband went to [concert], literally driving within a mile of my house! It really hurt my feelings that you didn't even slow down for a quick hello."

The drawback to this approach is that instead of apologizing, your niece might just block you from her social media account, hence removing the trigger to your hurt feelings but also locking you out of other updates on her life.

There is another way to respond; it's not thoroughly honest, but a little lighter, brighter and on brand for the devoted "gunkle" you've established yourself to be.

You could send her an email or a text: "I saw on Instagram that you went to the concert, and if you drove, you would have passed very near my house. I hope you know that you are always welcome to stop in, even briefly or last-minute. I would love to have seen you!"

Dear Amy: My daughter is moving nearby with her husband and 8-month-old grandson.

She works from an office in her home, and she has asked me to watch my grandson two afternoons a week. (I'm retired.)

I love my daughter. She is a wonderful human being, but she can get under my skin like no one else. She has a habit of making snide comments. I am highly sensitive, and when I am feeling confident, her behavior doesn't grate as much. But when I'm not feeling confident, it's hard to take.

I worry that babysitting will strain our relationship, with all of the pitfalls involved (mainly criticism from her). Should I address the issue, or just buck up and be a strong grandma?

Amy says: You should address this issue, and also buck up and be a strong grandma.

You don't say whether you want to take this on, but if you do, then you should establish some clear parameters. For instance, you might choose to watch him in your home (not hers). She would bring him to you, and you would bring him back at a designated time. This would remove you from her direct scrutiny.

Talk this through in advance, and let her know that you'll try this for a couple of months, and that if it doesn't work out for either of you, she can make another arrangement with no hard feelings (that's the "strong grandma" part).

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com