Ask Amy: Wedding plans are going to the dogs

Dear Amy: My daughter will be getting married in a couple of weeks (her second marriage). They put the wedding on hold during the pandemic, and now they are moving forward with a wedding with about 26 guests.

She wanted to host it in her house, but her house is very small, so we offered our (much larger) house. We also offered to help with food and set-up.

Our daughter agreed on one condition — that she bring her dogs. There are four of them, and they don't behave. They bark a lot and jump on people. Nonetheless, she wants to dress them up and have them be a part of her wedding.

These dogs have never been to our house, and we don't want them there now. But my daughter said the dogs are non-negotiable, so she will have the wedding at her place.

My husband has lung disease, and so being in a small house with 26 people and all the dog hair and dander is unacceptable to us. My husband said he won't be going, but hasn't told her yet.

Are we wrong in not allowing the dogs at our house for the wedding? Is she wrong for wanting the wedding at her house even though it wouldn't be good for her father?

I'm heartbroken over this, and my daughter and I are not speaking.

Amy says: You and your daughter are at an impasse, but if you can choose to calmly accept her choices — however misguided you believe them to be — then it will release both of you.

Neither one of you is "wrong." The significant difference between you two is that it's her wedding. She has named her dogs as her most-beloved attendants. You've drawn the line about having the dogs in your house (smart move) and offered an option she deems unacceptable, and so her decision has been made.

If it would endanger your husband's health to attend this wedding, then he should stay home. If you can bear spending a couple of hours in her home under these circumstances, you should try your best to attend, and see if you can FaceTime or set up a Zoom session for your husband to view the ceremony.

The bottom line is that it is her wedding, and if you consciously decide to stop judging and undermining her choices, you should spare yourself both the heartbreak and the tension. Everything after that is up to her.

Dear Amy: I know some people who occasionally come out with, "All I can do is be honest" when asked about something. I know what that really means: "Here comes a negative observation encased in a pejorative comment."

When someone says that I have taken to saying, "Oh. You're one of those lucky ones. A whole bunch of us got sucked into believing it is more important to be polite and considerate of other people's feelings."

Do you think my response is rude and condescending? It almost always embarrasses the other person who made the honesty comment. Please be honest with me (pun intended).

Amy says: Your response is at the very least sarcastic, and it's definitely condescending.

I understand your impulse to head comments off at the pass, however, especially if you assume they will be negative or upsetting. But you should consider whether it might be better for you to let people reveal themselves through their own words, and then you can respond with your own brand of honesty.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.