Asking Eric: Couple not on same page

Dear Eric: I’ve been seeing my partner for more than a year. They’re over 40, noncommittal and “don’t know what they want out of life.” I’m in my late 30s and definitely want to cohabitate and consider parenthood. How do I deal with my partner?

Eric says: It’s time for a state-of-the-union conversation. While no one can force a partner (or friend or relative) to make goals or find purpose, you can be frank about the ways that your partner’s equivocation is affecting you.

It’s fair to ask your partner if their not knowing what they want out of life includes being unsure about a future for the two of you. Share with your partner what your goals are and how your partner fits into those goals, and then ask if what you see down the road lines up with the view through their windshield. If you’re serious and your partner isn’t there yet, posing the question and talking through the answer could prompt a decision.

Be aware that their decision could be more not-deciding. Your partner’s malaise may be a rut that they’re not prepared to get out of yet. Kara Loewentheil, author of “Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head — and How to Get It Out” notes, “Someone else’s indecision only impacts us to the extent that we hold ourselves hostage to it.”

Dear Eric: I have a first cousin “Karen” who lives in Florida. I live in Connecticut. We are close in age, but I don’t have a close relationship with that side of my family. My aunts and uncle have spoken to me only a few times in my 43 years.

Karen always lets me know that she’s coming to Connecticut to visit her parents. It’s a half-hour drive to their house. I asked If we could meet somewhere in between. She said “I don’t drive” and left it that. I feel like she has this expectation of me to come see her, and I have, but it was awkward because we don’t know much about each other and barely speak all year long. Am I being selfish? I try not to take my resentment against my aunts and uncle out on her.

Eric says: If Karen can’t meet you halfway (literally), you can’t get much more mileage out of this relationship. You can tell her how her behavior makes you feel and suggest that she find a ride and join you at your place for dinner the next time she visits. But bending over backward to make it work? I don’t think so.

I’m sorry that this side of the family hasn’t been supportive. If you think that the relationship with Karen can improve with feedback and communication, by all means have a deeper conversation. But from your account, you’ve already tried that. It’s also OK to let long-distance relatives stay distant.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.