Asking Eric: Friend wants to help, not offend

Dear Eric: All of my friends but one is retired, and she is hoping to retire soon at age 73. She’s continued to work because she’s worried about not having sufficient funds during retirement. The other two have to pinch pennies, but they are getting by.

I made different choices than the others and have been fortunate financially.

I’d like to make their lives easier by helping them out. A gift of $10,000 would allow the still-working one to pay off her car loan and retire and allow another to reduce her mortgage.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to help them without making them feel the financial chasm between us. Do you have any suggestions, or should I just let each of them figure out things on their own?

Eric says: First of all, would you like to be my friend, as well? My pride can certainly withstand a $10,000 gift.

Your friends’ pride can, too. They’ve already shared enough of their financial realities with you that you’re aware of some of the worries and needs. And they already know that you are in a more secure financial position.

So, ask them directly: “I would like to pay off your car loan; would you allow me to do that?” Or: “Is there an amount of money that would make your life easier? I don’t want to offend you, but I want to show you love as a friend.”

Often, we avoid discussing money with friends out of politeness or pride. But the truths of our financial situations impact every part of our friendships.

Dear Eric: My daughter recently gave birth to her second child one month earlier than expected.

She notified me via text that she was on the way to the hospital. In that same text, she informed me that her mother-in-law was flying to California that same day from New York.

I also live in New York and was not asked if I could go out. I am guessing that my son-in-law contacted his mother first.

My husband and I had previously made plans to go to California two weeks before my daughter’s due date, as per her request. We never expected the baby to come a month early.

I am very hurt that the mother-in-law was notified instead of me. I have not asked my daughter about this because I do not want to upset her. My family thinks I am being overly sensitive.

Eric says: I feel like I’m staring at a conspiracy board covered in screenshots of text messages and flight maps. But what I don’t see — respectfully — is a slight.

Here’s my theory: Your daughter went into labor unexpectedly; this is surprising, scary even. Her husband texted his mother. One of his likely concerns: Who was going to take care of their other child while they were busy with the birth. Meanwhile, your daughter is trying to do a lot of things at once, including texting you and being in labor.

His mother wrote back that she was going to come. You were perfectly capable of booking a same-day flight at that moment. It’s fine that you didn’t, but stop placing the blame on your daughter.

Let go of the hurt you’ve been nursing. Now. Your daughter needs you. This is not the moment to be caught up in one-upmanship with an in-law.

You’ll regret it if your feelings about these texts get in the way of offering her love, support and understanding as she navigates this emotionally complicated time.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.