Q: My husband's parents were divorced two years ago, and they are trying to figure out how to handle the holidays. His mother wants us to spend Thanksgiving with her, but his father says he will not go to his ex-wife's home.
Ex-etiquette: Don't let divorce add to holiday stress
By Jann Blackstone
November 13, 2023 at 2:00PM
Adding to the situation, my parents have been divorced for 10 years, and before that they were married to other people, so I have three half-siblings. We settled into celebrating holidays together — my parents get along and that makes it easy. However, now that everyone is married with kids and responsibilities to other in-laws, and I have prickly in-laws, I'm having trouble with logistics.
Everyone wants me and my husband to be with them, and I'm frustrated beyond belief. I know we are not unique. What is good ex-etiquette?
A: You can only be one place at one time, obviously. It can get very stressful if you have "prickly" in-laws. Add to that attachments to past and present family members, and you have quite a mess trying to get all the players in one place at one time.
That's why I try to remind everyone that "the holidays" are not necessarily just one day, but an entire season. Between mid-November and Jan. 1, there are quite a few days to celebrate with loved ones. Who said that the only day everyone can get together is on the fourth Thursday in November?
I'm practicing what I preach. This year our adult children have other Thanksgiving commitments with extended family and new in-laws, so I'm opting to cook on Saturday instead of Thursday. And, from now on, I told the kids, go where you need to go on Thanksgiving, but plan on the Saturday after Thanksgiving to be at my house. They were elated. It took all the pressure off them.
The key to having successful holiday get-togethers after a breakup is to be flexible and compromise whenever possible (good ex-etiquette Rule No. 10). Try modifying, rather than abandoning old traditions. Or establish a new bonus family tradition. That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.
about the writer
Jann Blackstone
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